Popping out of the molten lava of a volcano that erupted in Southern Chile yesterday, Satan, the actual "God" of the Underworld, made his first appearance since the birth of the demonic Dick Cheney. Onlookers said it was really hot near the volcano and somebody compared his arrival to that of a stripper popping out of a cake at a bachelor party except without the bachelor or the party or the cake or the stripper.
Heyzoos Guapo, editor of The Chile Paper said, "The Devil just popped out, shook the ashes off his red suit, straightened the horns on his head and started rambling. Ranting and raving about politics. Like my dad when he gets drunk and watches the news. But Satan looks like a goat and my dad looks more like an ass."
Satan stated to sweaty reporters on the scene of the volcano that George Bush was put into office in order to "get the brainwashed U.S. of idiots ready for someone even more evil and stupid" just as soon as he could find one. It took the Devil eight years to sort through the billions of demonic wastes of skin on the planet. Satan found that nobody on Earth was more evil than "G. W." He had to go to the pits of Hell to find someone to take Bush's place.
The only person more stupid and more demon-possessed than the current resident of the White House is the ridiculously bloated, hideously ignorant, Devil worshiping, Pastor John Hagee, John McCain's creepy Pastor buddy and former lover. Hagee lives in Hell but magically appears on TV as an Evangelical extortion artist who magically convinces the idiotic brainwashed masses to send any money they have left after taxes to him so he can send it to Israel. He then uses the money to kill Palestinians and for McDonalds food to make him fatter, stupider, smellier, uglier, and just plain evil.
The world's greatest advocate for hatred of all things Catholic and biggest promoter of the ongoing Israeli genocide of all Palestinian people, The Reverend John Hagee, straight from the pits of Hell, will be sworn in as the next President of The United States by Satan himself at midnight during the next full moon in Washington De-ceased. Right next to that big tall penis shaped statue put there in 1884.
When asked why he didn't tell everyone about this a whole lot sooner, the Devil said, "Nobody asked me. Stupid. What are ya new?" His breath was nearly as bad as John Hagee's, according to one eyewitness that escaped.
"We wouldn't have to look at the evil faces of the current crop of Satan's Spawn on TV constantly if we had known this was going to happen." said passerby Bonita Conchita Gomez Suarez Tacquito Ensenada Corona Guadlupe, a nun from the local Catholic Mission, right before turning into large tub of grub worms, rubber vibrators, and rotting chicken necks before disappearing into the volcano in a puff of smoke along with most of the people and Satan.
The entire bizzare occurrence lasted less than ten minutes. "437 people are missing and presumed dead!" said a shaking and traumatized reporter from The Chile Paper. After saying this, eyewitnesses say his body grew a coat of fried batter on it and his face filled with creamcheese and he popped.
There has been no comment from anyone at the White House because they can't figure out how their phones work. Congress is too busy rigging elections and starting wars to answer phones. Hillary Cartoon was reached for comment and she just let out a shriek or a laugh or whatever it is she does. Buttcrack Baklava said something about change and hung up. Everyone was too scared to call Hagee.
