In a groundbreaking study, U.S. researchers have discovered that the national obesity epidemic is being caused by a lack of cigarette smokers.
According to a 10 year Harvard University study of 12,000 men and women between the ages of 25 and 80, research has shown that smokers are considerably trimmer than non-smokers. Also, among those who quit smoking, 80% become obese thus raising their risk of early demise to even more unacceptable levels. The study has also shown that death rates among the two groups remain roughly the same.
"So, do you want to die of smoking or obesity. That's what it comes down to", said rail-thin Harvard Professor George Eng as he lit a Marlboro. "I would rather die young and look good than die young and be fat".
Over 70% of Americans are currently listed as being overweight or obese. This correlates perfectly with 70% of Americans having quit smoking in the last 25 years.
To counter this epidemic, many doctors are now prescribing cigarettes and other forms of nicotine for their patients.
"I tell all my fat patients to smoke", said Dr. Peter Gruber, chief of nutrition and diet at Boston Medical Center in Boston, MA. "If they have lung problems I put them on the patch or the gum. The most important thing is to get that nicotine into their systems".
Joe Came, a spokesperson for the cigarette industry, claims that the latest medical research has proven tobacco companies to have been right all along.
The Harvard study was financed in part by Philip Morris.