Bush Points to Signs of Job Growth

Funny story written by dalepetrie

Thursday, 15 April 2004

At a $2,000 a plate fundraiser in Miami Florida earlier today, President Bush pointed to what he said are very specific signs that America is finally adding new jobs at a meaningful pace.

"I can point to several areas of our economy what are growing more jobs fastly," the President said. "First and foremost, in the manufacturing sector, business who manufacture caskets are seeing a large spike in consumer demand, unlike anything they've seen since the mid 70s. The increased demand has been particularly goodly for the month of April so far. The same goes for cemetery groundskeepers.

"The government has had to purchase several aircraft carriers just to send fresh soldiers overseas and to bring their bodies home afterwards, stimulating defense and air-o-nut-ick-al folks even more.

"Flag makers have experienced an even greater bump because not only are the caskets of the fallen soldiers coming home draped in flags, but flags are also being burned at rate previously unheard of.

"Greeting card companies have been hardly able to keep up with demands for sympathy cards.

"The sale of hanguns has increased greatly since I was appointed, em I mean 'elected' President. These handguns have been used more and more frequently in the commission of property crimes, causing people to have to rebuy things they already own, stimulating the economy further. The use of handguns in violent crimes is also up, increasing our need for lawyers, judges and prison staff.

"In the service sector, florists and funeral homes have added many jobs since March of 2003, as have medical and mental health facilities. There have been unprecedented increases in need for people to staff suicide hotlines. Psychologists have been busier than ever with all the people who've lost a loved one, have been through the war and didn't come back sane, and those who are experiencing financial difficulties because of the economy.

"Bankruptcy attorneys are being hired in unprecedented numbers, as are tax attorneys needed to follow the ever increasing complexity with which the newest tax laws had to be drafted to avoid the general public from discovering how badly they're being screwed at the expense of my rich pals. Reposession technicians, pawn shops and EZ cash loan stores are making untold sums of virtually tax free money.

"There has also been an unexpected increase in the need for folk singers to write protest songs. Auto mechanics are as busy as they can be, since no one can afford a new car, they have to get their old ones repaired.

"And of course, there's big hiring abound in the military sector. We need a constant supply of fresh bodies, I mean soldiers to replace the ones who are so gut-wrenchingly killed while doing their patriotic duty to protect all Americans from people I just plain don't like.

"All these industries are working at the fullest capacity they have seen in decades, and they are hiring new employees in record numbers. All this is stimulating job growth, at a time when the killing of our soldiers overseas leaves us with less people to fill the jobs that we already have. I feel we must stay the course, and if this war lasts long enough, everyone will have a job, sure maybe those jobs will pay $5 an hour folding greeting cards or cutting rose stems, but they'll be jobs!"

Bush then mingled with the crowd and nearly blacked out after choking on an hors d'ouevre. Later, he sent the proceeds of the fundraiser to his advertising agency in hopes they could create an ad showing his rival, presumptive Democratic nominee John Kerry, as anti-funeral industry. He suggested the following tagline, "don't our soldiers deserve a proper burial? John Kerry doesn't think so..."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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