"Eat my socks... wait. Eat my depleted uranium" - Bush

Written by Thom Gallagher

Monday, 15 March 2004

It became evident that the United States of America was very serious about its attempts to take over Canada and, presumably, the rest of the world. When the French Prime Minister authorized the launch of twenty-six nuclear warheads against the United States, they were shot down by a previously hidden ICBM (Intercontinental Ballistic Missile) defense system owned by the United States.

"It seems they have done a good job of protecting themselves," said Polish defense minister Jerzy Szmajdzinski. "It could be that Bush was partially correct when he said nobody in the world could stop him. It seems he has a defense against nuclear warheads that the international community cannot yet break."

"You little s*** f***ers should go do something productive with your time," said Bush. "Stop gallivanting around like you think you might be able to stop me. I'll kill everybody who resists me. After I take Canada, the rest of the world will be a piece of cake. I'm warning the rest of the world now to cease resisting."

According to Donald Rumsfeld, the American invasion of Canada has gone as planned so far. "Our military has done an excellent job over the past three days," he said. "They have successfully thwarted 3 suicide bomber attempts, two of which involved cows strapped with 700 pounds of C-4 explosives. A detonation of that magnitude would have damaged one of our tanks."

The Canadian invasion so far has taken the lives of 308 American soldiers, 13 Canadian soldiers, and 14 Canadian civilians. The Canadian government says more than half of its military has been decimated.

"We will fight to the bitter end," said Paul Martin, Canada's Prime Minister. "We've giving them a good run for their money. I'm sure everybody thought we'd be toast by now, but that is quite the contrary. That f***er Bush deserves to die, and we call on the international community to organize themselves and f*** him to hell. Or at the very least give him a fair trial after he looses his little war."

Bush responded to Martin's comments in a hostile manner. "Eat my socks, Paul," he said. "No, wait. Eat my depleted uranium."

So far, all of Alberta, British Columbia, and Saskatchewan are under American control, and the Americans continue to push east. The northern provinces of Nunavut, North West Territories, and Yukon Territories have not seen any action, because the American soldiers are complaining it is too cold.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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