The Gospel According To Bob, the Sacred Shoulder Pad

Written by Deanna Goodson

Monday, 29 March 2004

Bob-ism is the newest religion to take the world by storm. It was started by the UPA, the United Perverts of America, a Catholic-girl group that hated theology classes in High School.

Their motto was, "A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste," which is only a few words different than the Catholic Church's motto, "A dirty mind is a terrible thing."

The girls decided that the Word of God was confusing and contradictory. They wanted something they could believe in. "We looked no further than our shoulders. Shoulder pads were everywhere in the '80s. Women tossed them aside and they just continued to rabbits. We figured that there was something to them," Jewel Gottabekiddink said from her parents' basement because she's 35 and still lives at home.

"One night, Cindy had a sleepover and we got into the Harvey's Bristol Creme and Portuguese Moonshine that her dad liked to drink and well, one thing led to another, we fornicated and found the sacred shoulder pad. We named him BOB." Jewel continued.

It seems that BOB is all-powerful, all-knowing and he speaks to his prophets, Jewel, Cindy and Mindy, every day.

"He tells us his truth. It's just too bad no one believe us." Cindy Christiannomore said.

Just what do BOBists, as they prefer to be called, believe:

  • BOB is everlasting. You just can't kill a shoulder pad.
  • BOB is soft and will be there to support your weary head.
  • Women's waists look slimmer when their shoulders are boxy like a football players.
  • BOB is good.
  • BOB will provide luxury in the sacred afterlife where Madonna is still "Like a Virgin" and Leg Warmers are popular.
  • Dirty Dancing is a sacred, religious movie.
  • Molly Ringwald is the Devil.
  • The Fall of the Berlin Wall never happened.
  • The Police will reunite.
  • Ronald Reagan was a good president.

The girls hope to get their book, The Gospel According to Bob published soon.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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