Osama, Van Halen to Tour Again

Written by Lorenzo Lee

Friday, 26 March 2004

image for Osama, Van Halen to Tour Again

Los Angeles- American Supergroup Van Halen has announced plans to tour North America and the Middle East after a long hibernation since 1998. The question that has been bugging everyone as to who their new lead singer shall be has been answered: Osama Bin Laden.

"It works perfectly," said guitarist Eddie Van Halen during an interview in between rehearsals, who had a recent bout with tongue cancer. "He can hit the high notes, he's got great vocal range, he certainly has stage presence, and he'll surely get the crowds."

"I just love Van Halen. I'm just happy to be here with Eddie and Alex. I practically grew up with their music, listening to them on a small walkman in the caves of Afghanistan," said a newly groomed, surfer boy accented Bin Laden. "I love their songs---"Running With The Devil" from their first album is actually my favorite!"

Bin Laden has now bleached his hair blonde. He has also reportedly been taking some serious gym classes and has been shopping for spandex and leather clothes.

That is to be expected, as it's no easy feat to front the band Van Halen, who has gone through two lead singers since their inception in 1977: David Lee Roth, who left the band in 1985, and Sammy Hagar, who left in 1996.

Concertgoers can expect a full barrage of pyrotechnics, flame torches, laser lights, and some other "explosive" surprises, a Van Halen spokesman revealed.

Their tour is slated to begin sometime this year, cutting across North America, and, depending on circumstances, will move on to the Middle East. They are expected to play their greatest hits such as "Bush, You Really Got Me Now," "I'm On Fire," "Jump," "Panama (Canal)," "Wham, Bam, Afghanistan," including Osama's favorite,"Running With The Devil."

Some uncomfirmed reports are saying that the band MAY change it's name to Van Laden, but that still remains to be seen.

Long time fans of the band have expressed pleasure and outrage at this new development. Senator John Kerry, who is using Van Halen's 1992 hit "Right Now" as his campaign song, commended the band on "its' courage and fortitude in soldiering on. They have been on the frontlines, not just behind a recording studio console."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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