Crypto-Fascists Plan Bombing to Support Rudy Rompson's Imperialist Campaign

Funny story written by Helena Handbasket

Saturday, 24 November 2007

image for Crypto-Fascists Plan Bombing to Support Rudy Rompson's Imperialist Campaign
Rompson, avowed Fascist, says his evil plans for Pearl Harbour II were misunderstood. He says they were a Belushi reference.

PEARL HARBOUR, HI, USNA-- Presidential candidate Rudy "Mitt" Rompson was outed as a Fascist Party member after being linked to a fundraising website promising to reopen World War II on behalf of the Imperial Axis. His membership was proven under United States of North America law when he failed to deny connection with the website within 72 hours of its registration.

Early this month, the same law had nearly branded Ron Paul as an Anarchist Party member, but he was acquitted due to the technicality that anarchists don't form parties.

The hate website, "December 7th for Mitt", threatened that on December 7, 2007, "We'll make this a day that will live in infamy!" by sending "moneybombs" to candidate Rompson, over the Internet and via USNA mail. After the website was shut down by its service provider due to potential terrorist incitement, media reaction ranged from incredulous to apopleptic upon discovering that its creator, Al Jones, an avowed Fascist and Groucho-Marxist, had also donated $500 to Rompson's campaign.

Under the long-standing Milken-Finegold Guilt by Association law, Rompson can be convicted in Media Court for the crimes of any of his donors or unaffiliated supporters when he fails to disavow their activity within 72 hours of its occurrence. USNA Today lost no time in publishing its verdict this week, finding Rompson guilty of Fascist Party membership, terrorism, imperialism, and giving aid and comfort to enemies of the state (page A18, opposite the full-page Ron Paul ad). Rompson was stripped of one of his three CFR memberships, which was awarded instead to his lapdog, Rev. Mike "Huckleberry" Huckabee.

Jones remained belligerent, reopening his site with an international provider and setting a wildly ambitious goal of raising $3,000 to purchase moneybombs for Rompson. At press time he had exceeded all expectations, obtaining well over 118 pledges of $30 each. However, the Department of Homeland Insecurity has taken no action to prevent the bombing, still scheduled for December 7 in imitation of the Imperial Japanese Navy's destructive acts 66 years ago.

FEC reports reveal that "Al Jones" gave 17 different contributions totalling $500 to Rompson through September 30. It was clear that each one came from the avowed crypto-Fascist, because he had cleverly changed his occupation and city of residence each time. Rompson's failure to return each and every contribution was met by universal disdain and disgust by CBC News, Faux News, USNA Today, and the Times for at least one news cycle.

Rompson stated he had not sent any disavowal notice to the FEC because he didn't see the incitement to terrorism as harmful. "I don't want to destroy any aircraft carriers or kill our soldiers. Of course I do want to subject our army to another four years of grueling losses in manpower and equipment, but we can do that very peacefully, by not declaring war and by tricking Iraqi insurgents into doing it for us."

Jones also denied that the website had any malevolent intent, stating that it was entirely inspired by the movie 1941, with John Belushi, and not by the Emperor Hirohito: "We are just promoting the pop-culture feelgood message of the movie that the people in the end get to choose among any options the Emperor permits them. The American people are of the state, by the state, and for the state."

However, Rompson's campaign is now marred by the unanimous verdict of the media of his avowed Fascist position. Rompson's poll numbers climbed 2% after the revelations-- most of his supporters already knew he was a Fascist.

In related news, the Times has just charged the Ron Paul campaign with copycatting, since his website encouraging mass repetition of the Boston Tea Party on December 16, 2007, is an obvious knockoff of Jones's and Rompson's original idea. Paul's website has a meager $2 million in pledges, and his similar November 5 website earned over $4 million, numbers thoroughly incomparable with Rompson's empire-state-building fundraising.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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