It was announced today by officials with the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) that Governor Arnold Swarzenegger had asked President Bush for an emergency disaster declaration because of the tremendous hardships placed on Hollywood's stars by the absence of adequate numbers of writers.
Some 12,000 writers are currently without work and the California governor said he both demands and expects an official disaster declaration, especially since no one is available to write his speeches and he is not a particularly good writer.
He said he personally has had to curtail many events in the Hollywood area because of the acute shortage of qualified writers that can put speeches into what he characterized as "Terminator Talk."
President Bush so far has responded favorably to the governor's recommendation, and indicated he would give it "serius kunciderashun" this released in a hand written note to a reporter. Bush stated that given the recent billion dollars of damage by the fires, the resultant fake FEMA press conferences, and as he put it "lots of good, god fearing folks without writing jobs", he was heavily leaning on granting the declaration.
A FEMA spokesman, when asked by a reporter what assistance would be available to the writer's out of jobs said "the usual kind." When this person pressed for more details the spokesman said "money and other stuff." When asked how much money the FEMA person said "a whole bunch." And then he refused to answer any more questions, making reference to the Privacy Act, "which bars federal officials from providing specific information that should be available to the public."
The official said he could say that his agency would be helping by providing excess travel trailers to those homeless writers, whose houses may have been destroyed by the writer's strike. Many reporters looked very confused and one reporter asked him exactly what he meant, and he said "do you work for me, is this a press conference, and do you know how to tie sailor knots?"
Another spokesman, whose last day with FEMA is in early December said that due to recent decisions that FEMA would be writing scripts for some of the more important and necessary television shows like "The Closer," "Sixty Minutes," "The Simpsons", and "Hannity and Colmes." This revelation caught many in the crowd, including many striking writers as very odd. When pressed again by reporters as to why they would be supplanting screen writers, the spokesman said "formaldehyde in trailers is at low and acceptable levels." President Bush seemed very pleased and bobbed up and down a lot.
I must say as a reporter I am more confused every day by officials of FEMA. But, the 12,000 striking writers were pleased to know that they would each receive a mobile home or a travel trailer, $22,000 in rental assistance, $18,000 for emergency home repairs, a thirty day supple of Meals Ready to Eat (MRE's), and a FEMA hat and shirt. Bush said "this is the least we can do for writers without jobs and little hope of ever having writing jobs again, especially if programs that I like such as Mister Robertson's Neighborhood have to go off the air because no one knows how to write." Several present at this gathering applauded very loudly including Vice President Cheney, Secretary of State Rice, and an individual who looked like Osama Bin Laden.