It was announced today that Federal authorities had uncovered a plot by employees of a Federal agency to pose as United States Senators so that Admiral Harvey Johnson USCG ret. and now with the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) would undergo a "slam dunk" confirmation hearing later on this month.
The plot was uncovered when a rather large portly individual with gray hair entered the office of Senator Edward Kennedy and stated to some rather confused staffers that he needed to go into his office and didn't want to be disturbed. At first staffers believed that it was Kennedy as the individual was obviously intoxicated. But it soon dawned on the incredulous personnel that this individual was not Senator Kennedy, who was at that time passed out in another room, but an imposter.
Simultaneously eighteen other individuals posing, rather ineffectively as one senior investigation spokesman indicated, as the other members of the senate judiciary committee and entered senate offices and tried to convince staffers in those offices that they were indeed US Senators. Some staffers indicated that this operation was so poorly conceived that at first they though it was a joke. Well, the joke was certainly not on them, but rather on the perpetrators. It seems that all the individuals were from FEMA.
These "actors' were quickly apprehended and authorities began quickly to unravel their unbelievable attempt at this ruse.
The staffer trying to pose as Kennedy at first claimed he was indeed Edward Kennedy but was later discovered he was actually within the External Affairs section of FEMA, had a large down pillow stuffed under an oversized suit coat, and had a hillbilly accent. Another, posing as Senator Joseph Biden, was a black man who when confronted quickly surrendered and said he thought he might be able to pull it off, as he had studied acting in college in Nigeria. Perhaps the biggest gaff of all was a man, dressed a woman entered the office of Senator Diane Feingold. He too was quickly discovered when water balloons fell out of his blouse and burst on the marble floor.
Although investigations are still underway at this point, all nineteen individuals were arrested, booked, incarcerated for a short time, and then released on bail.
Perhaps the most interesting evidence discovered so far is the list of questions that all nineteen people were apparently trying to supplant as the official confirmation hearing questions that would be asked of Admiral Johnson:
- Admiral Johnson, isn't it true you are an American citizen, a real human being, with feelings and emotions like everyone else?
- Admiral Johnson, do you believe Arab extremists are responsible for the so called fake press conference that took place at FEMA.
- Sir, isn't it true you have tons of medals for your service in the coast guard, and that those medals are really made out of metal?
- Sir, isn't it true that your comb over is not really a comb over but that you have quite a natural quaff, and that most women find your locks irresistible?
- Harvey, I mean Admiral Johnson do you believe most Americans think you should be confirmed because after all you can drive a real live ship?
- Admiral Johnson, because you had spent so much time on real live ships on the real ocean that you were the first to recommend to firefighters in California that they use water to fight the fires? And as a follow up sir, didn't those firefighters at first insist that real water wouldn't work?
- Sir, do you have any knowledge of why you shouldn't be confirmed given the fact that you were an Eagle Scout, know all the cool knots sailors can make with rope, don't have horses like Mike "Brownie" Brown, and actually are doing a heck of a fine job?
- Lastly sire, I mean sir, and perhaps this is the most important qualification for confirmation to your highest of posts, do you know and can you use Morse code?
Perhaps the most startling information regarding this tawdry acting coup de tat came from Director Paulison and Admiral Johnson when asked what punishment suited these FEMA perpetrators.
Paulison and Johnson, in an official statement said that this most egregious act would be swiftly punished and that letters of reprimand had, once more, been placed into the staffers files. FEMA indicated that they will officially respond to these recent actions by their employees at a press conference "that would be held soon, somewhere, sometime, by somebody, with more details to follow, later."