Guilderland NY Election Going Nuts!

Funny story written by Warren Redlich

Monday, 5 November 2007

image for Guilderland NY Election Going Nuts!
Guilderland "Dutchmen" going down

Politics in Guilderland NY has long been strange, but recent events have elevated the oddities.

First some background. After 100 years of Republican rule, the party splintered in a factional dispute some 10 years ago. One leader of the castaways, known mainly as "The Kenster", joined the Democrats and took them into power.

The shift crushed the GOP in the town. Where there were dozens of volunteers and hundreds of contributors only 10 years ago, now the party faithful number in the single digits. Fund raising is done mainly by candidates sitting on street corners with dark glasses and a tin cup.

The Democrats rode on momentum for a few years. Drunk with power, they bought large vehicles and brazenly hired teen tarts to fawn upon them in Town Hall. Eventually they developed their own factional disputes.

The old line Democratic mainstream faction is led by Boss Boz, while the Kenster leads the other major faction. Many Democrats feel caught in the middle, loyal to the mainstream but fearful that they cannot win elections without the Kenster and his magical appeal to the broader electorate.

In the 2007 election, coming soon to a voting booth near you (if you're in Guilderland NY), Boss Boz and his ward, Silent Mike, face a challenge for their seats on the town board.

Early in the race, Silent Mike sued challenger "Ice W", in an attempt to knock him off the ballot. Perversely, Silent Mike won but Ice W is still on the ballot. The Spoof was unable to find any legal expert who could explain this.

Ice W became angry, but kept his cool. He took vengeance by creating a new website. The site has pages about Silent Mike and Boss Boz. Unfortunately, this has not been much of a strategy since no one actually searches for Silent Mike or Boss Boz, nor really that much for Guilderland NY.

During the lawsuit, Silent Mike accidentally spoke, boasting that he would debate "anywhere on any topic." As the campaign wore on and the League of Women Voters attempted to arrange a debate, Boss Boz tightened the choker on Silent Mike and made sure no debate actually happened.

Boss Boz got a flaming Mohawk from the other challenger, "MG Heat". Heat discovered some insider political deals leading Boz to get large money from the taxpayers. Heat actually called Boz on this. While many voters were concerned, the mainstream media found the story uninteresting.

With the election a couple days away, the oddsmakers are having trouble with this one. "Some races look like a blowout and others look close," said ace investigative reporter Waldo Waldman, "but this one doesn't fit in the normal categories - more of a yawn."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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