Candidates to Square Off in Piousness Debate

Funny story written by Billy Bloom

Friday, 19 October 2007

image for Candidates to Square Off in Piousness Debate
Hillary Clinton: Devout, and trying to get de-vote

Unable to outdo one another in terms of religious devotion in their individual appearances on the campaign trail, the major candidates of both parties will be coming together next month for an unprecedented piousness debate, or God-off.

Organized by the Coalition for Reverence And Politics (C.R.A.P.), the debate will bring together all major Democratic and Republican candidates on one stage, to see who trulier is holier than whom.

"This should finally separate the faithful from the faithfuller," said the Reverend Al Dullton, organizer of the event. "Only through rigorous questioning and debate can we determine who is devout, and who is a lout. And as we all know, none but the most reverent should occupy the White House. After all, who else can we trust to continue to erode the ludicrous wall between church and state?"

When told of the event, Rudy Giuliani, the formerly not-even-remotely-religious mayor of New York City, said "Bring it on! I can out-sacred anyone! Did you see that one I came up with last month about God guiding me to write a book about leadership in the wake of 9/11? And how I actually said it with a straight face? Come on! Who's gonna top that? By the way, did I mention 9/11? 9/11, 9/11, 9/11."

Hillary Clinton, when told of Giuliani's remarks, did not seem overly worried. "Are you kidding me? Is that all he's got? How about when I claimed that God was the one who enabled me to get through my marital issues during the whole Monica/BJ thing? You think it's easy to spew a load like that and not crack a smile? Wait 'til I get ahold of these pretenders--they won't know what hit them!"

Taking the high road was Barack Obama. "Yes, I will appear at the event, of course. But I don't view this as a competition. After all, as I often say on the campaign trail, I am in this to become an 'instrument of God.' Who can seriously hope to surpass that level of sanctimoniousness?"

One person who might rise to the challenge is John McCain, also slated to attend. "As you know, I announced last month that I was both an Episcopalian and a Baptist. Well, I've got more where that came from, suckas--I'm also a Jew, a Buddhist, and a Scientologist. I've got it all, baby. The person who tries to out-religious me is going straight to hell. Hey--did I ever tell you I've been to 'Nam?"

Mitt Romney, whose Mormon beliefs have been a lightning rod for controversy in the campaign, has not yet decided whether he will attend. "I may be too busy praying. With my family. Including both of my wives."

Atheists in Action leader Agnes Tick decried the event, saying it had no place in American politics. As she is a godless heathen, no one listened.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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