U.S. Military Announces New "Special" Special Forces

Funny story written by paniolo

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

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Washington, DC -- Secretary of Defense Robert Gates announced today the creation of a new elite fighting force to stand proudly alongside venerated organizations like the Green Berets, Navy Seals, and Airborne Rangers.

"Continued dwindling morale in the American population coupled with the lowest rates of voluntarily recruitment have forced the military to look to all segments of the American population for warm, freedom loving, bodies." says Gates. "That's why I'm proud to announce our newest elite fighting team, the Army's "Special, Special Forces."

Says Gates "This new fighting force will be made up entirely of differently-abled men and women who, although they have limited capacity for focused concentration, poorly developed motor skills, and extremely low IQ's still have a burning desire for American victory as far as I can tell."

"I don't anticipate having to deal with the distraction of these fine patriotic soldiers questioning the Chief Executive's motivation, strategy, or competence." says Lieutenant Col. Reece Grainiger. "I look forward to leading these extremely obedient men and women into battle."

Mr. Grainiger continues "The Military has always been known for its compassion. We are not going to simply turn our newest soldiers loose to awkwardly galumph into the battlefield with a machine gun. Each Special Special Forces agent will be accompanied by a chaperone whose main duty is to build soldier self-esteem by shouting encouraging cheers to their charges while in the midst of battle and covert operations. They will also provide snacks and the nurturing comfort of a government supplied surrogate parental presence."

"After six weeks of mentor-assisted Boot/Romper Camp, several rounds of Psychopharmacology, and a battery of Positively Reinforced Behavioral Modification Therapy techniques these developmentally disabled heroes should be good to go."

When questioned about how effective a team of slow learning, slow footed, self injurious soldiers could be dubbed "elite" Mr. Gates retorted. "It doesn't bother me that they operate at less than 70% of the intelligence level of even an average person. They want to stand up for America as much as anyone and I have the cutest drawings to prove it. This whole war is pretty retarded anyway."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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