Exclusive: Jesus Christ Returns; Mistaken for David Blaine

Funny story written by funwithwords

Monday, 8 October 2007

image for Exclusive: Jesus Christ Returns; Mistaken for David Blaine
Jesus Christ A Few Miles Away From Billings, Montana

Action News 8, Billings Montana -- Jesus Christ was spotted descending down to earth in a remote region of Montana by a local couple and their two children yesterday. "I didn't know what was goin' on myself," stated eyewitness Joe Bob Chandler. "He was just kinda floatin' up there like that -- I aint seen nothin' like it in my life."

Cathy Sue Chandler, Joe Bob's wife and fellow eyewitness, stated that when she saw the figure descending from the sky, she knew exactly who it was. "That's Jesus Christ!" she managed to exclaim prior to dropping to her knees, "Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!"

For his part, Joe Bob stated that he was scared, but he wasn't sure it was really Jesus because "the whole thing was peaceful -- simple and quite -- not, like, pompous and loud and stuff like the Bible says it's gonna be. Plus, I couldn't understand why he would be landin' in the middle of nowhere like this. It's just us here, though the Browns live a couple of miles down the way. It just didn't make any sense to me at first."

Joe and Cathy's two children, Loretta Ray (9) and Jimbo (7), had another explanation for the spectacular event. "Look Ma, it's David Blaine!" exclaimed Jimbo, who says he had just watched a David Blaine special on T.V. the night before. Loretta concurred, "yeah, I thought it was David Blaine too, so we started runnin' over to him so we could watch him do more magic tricks!"

Joe Bob says he called to his children to "get back here," but they were too far gone to hear him. That's when he remembered that his new digital camera he'd received for his birthday was in his truck. "I just snapped this picture right before he disappeared again," Joe stated. "I knew folks would be thinkin' I was crazy if I didn't get me a picture of him."

As for the children, they stated that the man floating in the sky never landed, but he came within a few feet of them before disappearing behind a bright flash of light. That's when they realized that it was not David Blaine. "He looked just like the picture of Jesus we have on our wall," Loretta maintained. Jimbo agreed, "yeah, he was white, had long hair, and blue eyes -- just like the picture of him we bought from the flea market last year."

Asked why they thought Jesus didn't stay longer and visit awhile, the Chandlers have surmised that he may have gotten caught up in the jet stream and accidentally flown off course. "I feel blessed that Jesus came all the way out here and that we got to see him," states Cathy, "but it sure would have been even better had Jesus landed in a large city where more people could have witnessed his glory."

Regardless, yesterday will be a day that this young family will likely remember as well as cherish for the rest of their lives. "I mean, it isn't everyday that folks like us get to see Jesus Christ," Joe Bob stated matter of factly. "I can't wait to see him again, but up closer next time. I'd like to shake his hand."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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