Written by Helena Handbasket

Thursday, 4 October 2007

image for Ron Paul Signs Emancipation Proclamation, Freeing Tax Slaves!
The Confederacy has drawn a line in the sand, proclaiming freedom for taxpayers in regions rebellious to their Constitution.

03 Oct 07, WASHINGTON, DC, CSA-- President Ron Paul announced the emancipation of all tax slaves within regions where the Union government remains in rebellion against the People of the States today. This daring frontal manoeuvre against the Union effectively starves the leviathan by removing its access to the fruits of tax slave labour, on which it so heavily depends for infernal revenue.

This preliminary "emancipation proclamation", Paul's first official act after being sworn in as President of the Confederate States of America today, may be his most memorable. Effective 1 Jan 08, he has pledged the full support of the Confederate Army and Navy to enforcing the "tax freedom" of any persons who may still at that time face the involuntary conversion of the fruits of their labour into revenue for the rebel Union under color of law.

All states that hold elections for Confederate Congress this 6 Nov will be regarded as not in rebellion against the Confederate or Union Constitutions (loosely identified with the "red-blood states" region). However, net-tax-beneficiary states ("blue-blood states") will face the choice of either accepting President Paul's declaration of tax freedom for all classes, labour and management alike; or continuing to collect taxes on the lifeblood of their peoples, and facing the wrath of the Confederacy's militia forces.

President Paul has pointed out that if the Union government simply scaled back its budget seven years to 2000 levels, it could be paid entirely by other federal receipts, completely exclusive of individual income taxes. Since this budget-cut option is readily available to all three of the 435 Union Congressmen who know how to reduce spending by more than the cost of a pencil sharpener (fortuitously, President Paul is among them), it is widely expected that the emancipation will be honoured timely, without violence from either taxpayer or tax beneficiary.

The proclamation was issued from Paul's office in Washington, DC, where he still serves as Union Congressman, but which for simplicity's sake he declared a Confederate enclave. (Though Paul has come under fire for serving as Union Representative and Confederate President from the same office, attacks have mostly cooled since the media realized that, in January 2001, they had already permitted Union President-Elect Clinton to serve as Senator and Acting President simultaneously.)

Media response to unilateral emancipation has been mixed. The Shreveport Times editorialized, "President Paul's masterstroke is the best hope for peaceful resolution. Giving the Union Congress 90 days' notice that they must either end all forms of tax slavery or face the militia of the Ron Paul Revolution working out its own tax freedom is unparalleled genius." Even if Congress decides to continue its rebellion against the taxation clauses of the Constitution, observed the Times, Ron Paul's army can certainly take care of itself: the army is currently paying the Union's national debt, also pays enough voluntary foreign aid to support a small Middle Earthen nation, has $5.3 billion cash on hand, and has just crossed the threshold of five hundred million members (five drillion, in the European Union).

However, the Kennebunk Post objected strongly, "The North cannot survive Paul's blackmail. In Maine alone, 84% of all revenue is received as the fruits of tax slave labour. Emboldening the taxpayer to put off his chains will create domino bankruptcies across the North. The only solution is to proactively increase taxes to counteract the loss of fugitive tax slaves." The editorial was signed, "G. Walker Bush (GWB/rbc)".

The Post also condemned Paul's hypocrisy in issuing an Executive Order after over thirty years of advocacy against presidential autonomy. Asked about this at a press conference, Paul jubilantly responded, "War powers! Pick a Constitution-- any Constitution. You know I have always objected to executive activism when the people have not declared war through their representatives in Congress. But the CSA president has war powers through a perfectly valid standing declaration of war by the Confederate Congress in 1861."

On the natural followup question as to whether he would take advantage of other war powers, Paul explained, "That's the whole problem. No matter who has the powers, whether it's me or Congress or Justice Roland, you still have to trust the leader not to abuse those powers. So you'd better have picked a trustworthy leader, and I hope you know you have." Hundreds of supporters, waving Ron Paul signs and vastly outnumbering the press agents in the gallery, gave him a standing ovation for two minutes. Paul added, "By the way, we did impose martial law today, but only on people named G. Walker Bush."

Since direct unapportioned taxes are prohibited by the Confederate Constitution, registered Southronfolk citizens enjoy tax freedom already. But the North rebelled against its Constitution in 1861 by enacting a direct unapportioned income tax; and it continued its rebellion, after its Supreme Court ruled that tax unconstitutional, by ratifying the 16th Amendment and misapplying it to the fruits of all labour. The rebel blue-blood Union states are now stuck with a 90-day deadline to get back in line with the Constitutional principle of the right to enjoy one's own property. Time will tell how peacefully the transition is effected.

The text of President Paul's preliminary Emancipation Proclamation reads as follows:

By the President of the Confederate States of America
A Proclamation

I, Ronald Ernest Paul, President of the Confederate States of America, and Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy thereof, do hereby proclaim and declare that on the first day of January in the year of our Lord, two thousand and eight, all persons held as tax slaves within any state, or designated part of a state, the United States then being in rebellion against the people thereof, shall be then, thenceforward, and forever tax-free; and the executive government of the Confederate States including the military and naval authority thereof will recognize and maintain the tax freedom of such persons, and will do no act or acts to repress such persons, or any of them, in any efforts they may make for their actual tax freedom.

That the executive will, on the first day of January aforesaid, by proclamation, designate the States, and parts of states, if any, in which the United States government shall then be in rebellion against the people thereof respectively; and the fact that any state, or the people thereof shall, on that day be, in good faith represented in the Congress of the Confederate States, by members chosen thereto, at elections wherein a majority of the qualified voters of such state shall have participated, shall, in the absence of strong countervailing testimony, be deemed conclusive evidence that such state, and the people thereof, are not then in rebellion against the people of the Confederate States.

And the executive will in due time recommend that all citizens of the Confederate States who shall have remained loyal thereto throughout the recent unpleasantness, shall upon the restoration of the constitutional relation between the United States, and their respective states, and people, if that relation shall have been suspended or disturbed, be compensated for all losses by acts of the Confederate States, including the loss of tax slaves.

In witness whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the seal of the Confederate States to be affixed. Done at the City of Washington, this third day of October, in the year of our Lord, two thousand and seven, and of the Independence of the Confederate States the one hundred forty seventh.

By the President:
Capt. Ron Paul

Secretary of State:
Rev. Billy Joe-Bob Wayne Patton

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Ron Paul, Tax

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
66 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more