Extremist Pro-Life Organization Seeks to Ban Kicking in the Nuts

Written by bhooker80

Sunday, 5 August 2007

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When does human life actually begin? Those who believe in a woman's right to choose say life begins late in gestation, meaning a fetus can be aborted early in the pregnancy without moral consequence.

Those fully against abortion say life begins at conception, and thus any abortion is murder. Some with a more moderate view claim it's simply too early to know if the child will become an ungrateful asshole, thus abortion cannot be considered a crime of passion and would be, at worst, manslaughter. Nearly everyone on all sides of the issue agrees that they would have been against aborting themselves.

It has been decades since anyone has re-examined this most fundamental question of the abortion debate. Cathy McTarder has done just that, and she believes she has found an answer so obvious that it will end the battle over abortion once and for all.

"It's quite simple," Cathy explained. "The idea that life begins at conception is absurd. Clearly, life begins much sooner than that - and by using the Socratic method I can make this conclusion obvious to even a drunken capuchin. How is a fetus conceived? By a sperm and an egg. And where does the sperm come from? It is produced in the testicles. You see, life begins with the sperm, and sperm begins in the testicles. If we want to save innocent lives, we must protect the testicles."

McTarder's organization, Shields for Life, is trying to persuade lawmakers on Capital Hill to pass a comprehensive Testicle Rights Act, which would include mandatory cups for all males over the age of two (those two and under would be protected by their diapers), would prohibit the jumping or climbing of fences with spike-like protrusions, and would increase the penalty for kicking someone in the testicles from nothing to 10-20 years in prison. Shields for Life is also pushing to include a measure that would make laughing at someone who has been kicked in the testicles a misdemeanor.

McTarder says her organization is not growing as quickly as she anticipated, possibly due to aggressive recruiting initiatives by its rival organization, Free Balls for America.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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