Written by Chuck Terzella

Wednesday, 18 February 2004

image for Bush on Gay Marriage: I Believe in Dick

President George W. Bush weighed in today on the issue of gay marriage. Speaking from the Oval Office in response to the Mayor of San Francisco's allowing weddings between same sex couples to be performed, President Bush stated "I am deeply troubled by the thought of gay marriage. It gives me...dreams. I go to sleep at night and I dream of two men kissing...men with high, firm buttocks and well developed pectorals, handsome men, manly men."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse responded to Mr. Bush's comments by saying, " Jesus, if he thinks Gay marriage is troubling, you should see how troubled we are about that statement. Laura's flipping out. She's flat out refused to rent any more couples videos on noogie nights; she can't figure out what exactly he's looking for on them anymore."

The President, just back from the White House body waxing salon and wearing a wool and silk blend Brioni 3 button day suit, Yves San Laurent medium collar shirt with mother of pearl buttons coupled with a nicely understated hand painted silk tie, matching silk socks and Bruno Magli loafers spoke to reporters as Queer Eye for the Straight Guy played muted on the Presidential Television. "It's confusing...the Bible tells us that the love that must not be named is wrong and I believe that, but sometimes when I'm at the gym with my Secret Service Agents pumping iron...pumping, pumping, pumping...where was I? Oh yeah, the gym. What I mean to say is that can it be wrong to admire the physique of an Agent who plainly takes care of himself, someone young and handsome, someone who's pledged to die for me? I mean, is that hot or what?"

As the Secret Service Agents in the room discretely edged away, the President continued,
"All that aside, I think Gay marriage is just wrong. Dick (Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney) told me that it goes against the laws of God and I trust Dick...dick, dick, dick...I'm sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Dick Cheney. Anyway, it's just wrong ok? Now excuse me, I have to use the lavatory. Anyone seen my Stud Muffin magazine?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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