New York City Outlaws Heterosexual Marriage

Funny story written by Miriam Parker

Friday, 13 February 2004


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New York City--The aura outside of City Hall was calm today when, to the chagrin of those who have nothing to talk to their young relatives about everywhere, heterosexual marriage has been officially outlawed in New York City.

While the issue of gay marriage flutters around outside of New York City, making presidential candidates sweaty and incoherent, in New York, peace reigns.

"The trend was in this direction anyway," said bachelor Mayor Bloomberg as he stepped into the limousine spiriting him away to destinations unknown for the weekend. "Nobody in New York City was getting married anymore, so the City Council decided to take the bull by the horns and just outlaw marriage."

"Straight people in New York were not taking marriage seriously," City Council Speaker Gifford Miller said in a press conference in City Hall just after the vote. "With the high divorce rate and the increased percentage of cohabitations, we couldn't see a reason to continue with this arcane law. Besides, it will free up bureaucratic time at City Hall, the people who used to issue marriage licenses will now be answering the overwhelming volume of calls to 311."

A small group of supporters of the bill stood outside City Hall holding sedate posters depicting silhouettes of gay couples. "Men and women are just too different," said Ann O'Toole, head of the Same Sex Alliance. "It doesn't make sense for them to be joined legally. It's really, when you think about it, blasphemous. All the straight people think about is sex and procreation. They're very debased."

When faced with the choice of supporting divorce or outlawing marriage, Cardinal Egan chose outlawing marriage. "This doesn't mean I think the gays should be able to marry though," he cautioned. "They still shouldn't. I mean, being gay is really gross." His parishioners nodded with approval at the Cardinal's eloquence.

The City Council members behind this bill and the group that advocated for it, SPIT (Straight People In Therapy) said that they wanted to level the playing field for gays and straights alike. "It's a new world now, people can sleep with whomever they want, there's no longer a reason to get married. It's really just a formality. And we wanted to stop our relatives from asking us why we weren't married. So, now we can say, it's illegal." They were on their way to The Avalon to celebrate.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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