Written by Salsero Blanco

Wednesday, 6 June 2007

image for ExxonMobil to buy US Military for $100 Million-trillion
New American uniforms will combine traditional green camouflage with blue Exxon corporate regalia

Oil giant ExxonMobil has agreed to purchase the United States Military for $100 Million-trillion in a combined cash and stock purchase.

Exxon spokesman Rock McGruder said it was a move the board had been considering for the last two quarters and after last quarter's massive profits, the time was right.

"We did a cost-benefit analysis and the answer was obvious." said McGruder. "It was time to buy the US Military."

Exxon is said to be excited about the possible synergy and efficiency created by the merger.

"We're both basically in the same business, so the merger is an obvious move." said an Exxon spokesman.

Management thinks it's time for corporate efficiency to be applied to the world's most powerful military.

"From an organizational standpoint, this is a home run." continued the spokesman. "Right now, you've got the Exxon CEO, and then the Commander in Chief, then the Secretary of Defense, then the Head of the Joint Chiefs before you even start to talk about the generals. I think once we get our people into all those executive positions, we'll be able to flatten out that management structure considerably."

Exxon is working to get the move completed before the next presidential election.

"Elections force us to take a serious short-term hit to our bottom line, particularly this year when the Democrats have a real shot at the White House." said McGruder. "God forbid we have a third party candidate to deal with."

A financial analyst says the move is brilliant one for ExxonMobil. "We expect to see peak oil and peak military for at least the next ten years. Exxon puts itself in the catbird's seat of the only two sectors, oil and defense, where our firm is forecasting any sort of growth in the U.S. over the next decade. They are flush with cash, so the time is right."

Military personnel are mixed on the merger. Staff Sargeant, James Cappuccio, 43, is excited by the move.

"My men have been busting their asses for Big Oil since 9/11 and we have seen narry a stock option!" complained Cappuccio. "It's time for our people to get a piece of the action."

As far as the prospect of an oil company managing the difficult military situation in Iraq, overall opinion among the men we spoke to could best be summed up by one private who asked to remain anonymous.

"Seriously? Could it be any worse?" said the soldier.

Major Nick Polando, 45, voiced his concern about the future of his pension.

"I was planning on retiring next fall." said Polando. "Now I'm not so sure. The new company has been unclear on benefits."

Cappuccio said he's not too worried.

"I expect the good folks at ExxonMobil will show the same loyalty to my men as my men have shown to ExxonMobil for the last six years by continuing to fund their pensions." said Cappuccio. "Big companies are like that."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more