M&Ms May Be The New Viagra?

Written by Ed E. Druckman

Wednesday, 30 May 2007

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Hard on the outside, soft on the inside - Just like M&Ms

(Brooklyn--NY) "It wasn't my son. It was the blue M&Ms. They're Viagra." That's the claim of Robert "Bob" Spiotto, Sr., the father of eleven year old Robert "Bob" Spiotto, Jr., who holds the dubious distinction of being the youngest male to have a paternity suit filed against him by adult dancer, Taff E. Lushess, who Spiotto, Jr. met on his paper route.

Taff E. Lushess' deposition describes a relationship where "we never talked much. When we weren't having sex, he'd be eating blue M&Ms." Lushess also expressed regret. "I never thought to use protection because he said that he had a vasectomy, though I guess a light should have gone on when he said that was one of his new weekly vocabulary words."

Spiotto, Sr. has filed a $50 million lawsuit against the makers of M&Ms, Mars, Incorporated.

According to family lawyer Fern Plantt, the suit is for corrupting a minor and hinges on an internal memo from Pfizer, the makers of Viagra. When blue M&Ms were used as a placebo, the memo claims they "caused males to sprout more wood than a Redwood forest." Plantt says that the memo was forwarded to Mars, who did not act on it. Calls to Mars, Inc. were met with the following statement: "We do not recollect having seen this document. However, we will say that blue M&Ms do not cause blindness, and they STILL DON'T melt in your mouth." Pfizer is currently preparing to sue Mars for patent infringement.

Meanwhile, Spiotto, Sr. says his son is "still horny and now has 14 cavities. He's developed quite a taste for those blue ones, and I don't have the heart to refuse him, but I don't dare let him out alone." The solution for now is "a Gold Pass to 30 adult sites, his own computer and lots of Kleenex."

The blue M&M trail promises to be polarizing. Interviewed on CNN's Larry King Live, Spiotto, Jr. was asked by King, "the blue ones, you eat 'em, and you feel how?" His response: "I eat the blue ones, and I look at the girls, and I want to eat them too." King then took a call from Toronto but was visibly shaken.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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