An anonymous source within the Department of Defense stated today that, in the interest of improving America's image abroad, the songs associated with each branch of the uniformed services will be changed from the current ones, which are reactionary, bellicose, and insensitive, to songs which are of a more open, inclusive, and peaceful in nature.
The United States Army will no longer stir to the strains of The Army Goes Rolling Along, a hate-filled song which glorifies General Patton and his tanks. The official Army song will now be the Beatles classic All You Need is Love.
Anchors Aweigh, the nautical death song of the United States Navy will be replaced with the kinder, gentler Come Sail Away, by Styx.
Semper Paratus, the Coast Guard anthem will be replaced by the theme to the 1970s television sitcom Love Boat.
The United States Air Force will also be singing a new tune, deleting the heinously provocative Wild Blue Yonder with uplifting and inspirational I believe I can Fly.
Finally, the United States Marine Corps, arguably the most peace aversive branch of the military, will hopefully be able to temper their gung ho macho mindset with John Lennon's Give Peace a Chance. This is a far cry from the current Marine Corps Hymn, a bloodthirsty, imperialistic, chauvinistic hate song which glorifies meddling in the internal affairs of other countries with lyrics such as "from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli."