Manchester Olympics nearing reality

Funny story written by David Hartley

Monday, 21 May 2007

image for Manchester Olympics nearing reality
Ken being dropped on London

An email from Ken Livingstone to the Olympic Delivery Authority has been leaked to The recent renaming of the thoroughfare leading to the new Wembley Stadium from "Wembley Way" to "Olympic Way" gives warning of a planned major change in strategy from the government.

The opening and closing ceremonies will now be held at Wembley; therefore the proposed eighty thousand seater in East London has now been quashed. The athletic events will now be held at Crystal Palace, even though the bottom fifteen rows of seats at Wembley can be removed to make space for a running track. The reason for this, as Ken explains in his email, is that only sporadic crowds are expected at the athletics events and that would lead to many empty seats in the reduced capacity stadium. This would not normally be a problem but the Wembley seats are prone to discolouration and the combined factors of global warming and irregular seated crowds are likely to leave the Wembley seats resembling a patchwork quilt.

Further cost-cutting measures are to be pursued, such as relocating the swimming and cycling events to Manchester by using the existing facilities built for the Commonwealth Games. This will be a hush hush operation so as not to upset the International Olympic Committee since they are expecting all the events to take place in London. This move is not only expected to save a substantial wadge of public money but is also expected to foil any potential terrorist attacks on these events, since the terrorists will be mistakenly targeting London.

Another improvement proposed in Ken's email is to relocate the beach volleyball competition onto an actual beach, whereas some outlandish elements of the original proposal still remain, such as the limit on the number of floors in the accommodation blocks of the athlete's village to three. This latter aberration is the brainchild of the IOC who is obviously deeply concerned over the ability of world class athletes to climb stairs.

The cost savings of these proposals is expected to be in the region of £8 billion. These substantial funds are likely to go towards a leaving do for British troops in Iraq, which is now programmed for 2012.

In the closing line of his email Ken asked the ODA to express his gratitude to the people of Manchester. A spokesman for Manchester City Council said he knew nothing of the proposals, but did admit that contractors would soon be starting on works to create a beach at Salford docks.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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