Mar-a-Lago, FL – In a press conference described as “the most fantastic ever,” former President Donald J. Trump announced a revolutionary plan to tackle soaring meat prices and feed America’s hungry: the “Tremendous Hog Bonanza.” The initiative involves using AI-guided drones to shoot LSD- and fentanyl-laced darts at Texas’s 2.6 million feral hogs, turning them into “docile, happy pigs” for easy capture and transformation into “the best hog burgers you’ve ever tasted, folks, nobody does burgers better than me.”
Standing before a golden podium with a backdrop of hog-shaped balloons, Trump declared, “These hogs, they’re a menace, tearing up farms, ruining golf courses—terrible! But I’m making them great again. We’re gonna zap ’em with LSD, maybe some fentanyl, make them chill out, stare at the ground like they’re at a Grateful Dead concert. Then, Whimpy—that’s right, Whimpy, a tremendous guy—walks up with a meat grinder, boom, instant burgers. Free for everyone, especially at my beautiful churches!”
The plan, which Trump claims was inspired by “a very smart person, maybe Robert Kennedy, I don’t know, great guy,” involves deploying thousands of “Trump Hog-Zapper 3000” drones across Texas. These autonomous drones, equipped with air rifles and “the best AI, better than that Grok thing,” will fire darts filled with LSD or fentanyl to sedate the hogs. “LSD makes them see rainbows, they just stand there, oinking in bliss,” Trump explained. “Fentanyl? Knocks ’em out cold, like Sleepy Joe at a debate. Either way, we win!”
Once sedated, the hogs will be rounded up by a new federal agency, the Department of Hog Acquisition and Grinding (DHAG), led by Whimpy, a mysterious figure Trump described as “a burger genius, nobody grinds meat like Whimpy, not even McDonald’s, which loves me, by the way.” The hogs will be strung up, bled out, skinned, and roasted whole at “Trump Hog Bonanza Picnics” held at churches nationwide, free of charge. “Meat’s expensive, folks, $10 a pound, outrageous! My hogs? Free, juicy, tremendous. We’re feeding the poor, the rich, everybody—America First!”
The plan has sparked confusion among experts. Dr. Jane Porkman, a fictional veterinarian, warned, “LSD and fentanyl in hogs? That’s a health disaster waiting to happen. The meat would be unsafe, and the hogs might start breakdancing instead of standing still.” USDA officials, who were not consulted, noted that feral hog meat requires inspection at approved facilities, and unapproved drugs like LSD or fentanyl would render it illegal for consumption. “Also, who’s Whimpy?” they added.
Trump dismissed safety concerns, claiming, “The USDA loves me, they’ll approve it, I have the best inspectors. And Robert Kennedy—he’s testing these hogs, tremendous tests, the best, to make sure they’re safe. Nobody tests hogs better!” Sources confirm no involvement by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who reportedly muttered, “I’m just here for the environment, not psychedelic pigs.”
The “Trump Hog-Zapper 3000” drones, developed by an unnamed Mar-a-Lago contractor, are estimated to cost $10 billion, far exceeding the $0.50–$1/pound cost of traditional hog processing. Each hog yields 50–100 pounds of meat, worth $250–$500 at retail prices, but Trump insists, “It’s a small price for greatness. China’s paying for it, believe me.” Critics point out that traditional hunting or trapping, costing $120–$900 per hunt or $500–$2,000 for corrals, is far cheaper and safer, producing USDA-compliant meat for food banks like Feral Hogs for the Hungry.
At the press conference, Trump demonstrated the plan with a live hog (played by an intern in a pig costume), firing a Nerf gun loaded with glitter-filled darts. “See? Docile! Ready for Whimpy’s grinder!” he shouted as the intern stumbled offstage, covered in sparkles. The crowd, chanting “Hog Bonanza!”, was promised free burgers at the next Trump rally, though sources report the menu will likely be chicken nuggets.
The “Tremendous Hog Bonanza” faces hurdles, including FAA bans on autonomous dart-firing drones, DEA restrictions on LSD and fentanyl, and ethical concerns about dosing wildlife. “These hogs aren’t tripping to Woodstock; they’re a public health risk,” said a fictional activist, Hog Hugger Sally. Yet Trump remains undeterred, promising, “By 2026, every American will have a hog burger, cooked to 160 degrees, the best temperature, nobody roasts better than me.”
As the press conference ended, Trump unveiled a new slogan: “Make America Oink Again!” Whether the plan delivers free, safe meat or just a psychedelic spectacle, one thing’s clear: Whimpy’s got his work cut out for him.
