LOS ANGELES - (Spoof News) - Melania Trump has filed a restraining order against her estranged husband, the former reality TV star and professional Twitter troll, Donald "Big Mac" Trump.
According to our sources, who have connections as deep as the La Brea Tar Pits, Mrs. Trump is fed up with the text messages that keep flooding her phone, urging her to leave her current beau, NBA superstar LeBron James, and come back to the "gold-plated tower of power". *CRINGE*
"I mean, have you seen the guy's hair? It looks like he's using a live raccoon as a wig," said a close friend of Melania's, who wished to remain anonymous. "And don't get me started on those tiny hands. How can anyone take him seriously?"
In a statement released earlier today, Mrs. Trump said, "I will not be intimidated by this small-handed man-child. I have found happiness with LeBron, and no amount of cheeseburgers or comb-overs will change that."
Mr. Trump, for his part, offered to pay Mrs. Trump a hefty sum of $75,000 to come back to him. But sources say Melania just laughed and replied, "Sorry, Donny, that won't even cover my daily caviar and champagne budget. Plus, have you seen the size of LeBron's 'mansion'? Let's just say it makes 'Mar-a-Lago' look like a cocktail wiener."
