Sir Rod Stewart was pulled out of his automobile and badly beaten by an angry mob before being taken away and put into custody by Essex Police this afternoon.
Stewart's troubles apparently began when a London DJ played Stewart's 1976 hit "Tonight's the Night" and certain people took note of his "tasteless and self-absorbed" lyrics.
"I'd heard the song plenty times before" said millennial Wendy Corrigan "and I guess I'd never paid much attention to the words before. But it's the second and third verses that are especially disgusting! It starts out bad and just gets worse!"
She is referring to the two verses, in which the raspy Stewart croons:
C'mon angel my hearts on fire
Don't deny your man's desire
You'd be a fool to stop this tide
Spread your wings and let me come inside
Don't say a word my virgin child
Just let your inhibitions run wild
The secret is about to unfold
Upstairs before the night's too old
After hearing the song on Friday afternoon, Wendy shared her thoughts with her husband Jack, a firefighter, and the word spread quickly from there. Both "Wokers" and the PC crowd were quick to join the cause. By the next day an angry mob formed outside Rod Stewart’s Essex home waiting for him to emerge.
Asked what particulars she found most offensive, Wendy would only say, "he sounds like a whiney rapist to me. It'd be sad if it weren't so thoughtless. It's shit! That's all it is. Self-absorbed rocker shit!"
The parrot-like singer, who was knighted in 2016, peaked as a performer during the late 70s when he became a mainstay on Top40 charts.
As for what charges will be filed against the rocker, police would not comment on the particulars.
Stan Fister, one of the leaders that emerged from the mob told us they would not relent. "Once they let him out we'll just beat the daylight out of the bugger once more."