Out of State Man Disturbed by Local Old Coot

Funny story written by Kilroy

Monday, 1 February 2021

image for Out of State Man Disturbed by Local Old Coot
"Thanks, but I'd rather crack walnuts with my sphincter than shut up!"

A non-local man is reported to be "highly disturbed" by a chance encounter with a local old coot. According to local authorities, a man new to the area made the bad decision to engage an old coot known to locals as "That Crazy Old Coot" in casual conversation. The man briefly shared a bench with the Old Coot in a local park Sunday and was left "shocked and appalled" by the vulgar visuals and crude allegories describing a local politician.

In a police report filed immediately after the encounter, the non-local man accused the Old Coot of being a public nuisance in loudly proclaiming the local city councilman to be "an alien larva emerging from the pulsating egg of local corruption, wasting no time attaching himself to the face of legitimate politics, and incubating himself in the viscera of the political body, bursting forth from the body cavity amid a spray of criticism, the acid of liberal politics coursing through his veins."

"I just asked him how his goddamned day was going! I didn't need to be verbally assaulted with that grotesque visual imagery of local politics. What the hell? There were children playing in that park!" The non-local man became even more agitated when informed that no actual laws were broken, accused the entire police department of corruption and left. Local reporters soon arrived.

The local police chief held a press conference and characterized the Crazy Coot as annoying but essentially harmless. "That Old Coot has been a part of our community since...I can't remember when. Hell, I think my dad was police chief when he was just known as 'Crazy Ted'. And apparently he was just as obnoxious," he told reporters investigating the complaint. He went on to explain that everyone who grew up in the local community knew never to engage that Coot in any conversation whatsoever. "This non-local man is new to the area and apparently unaware of our local norms," the police chief explained.

It is widely known locally never to make direct eye contact with That Old Coot. One local recalls an accidental encounter with the Old Coot volunteering unsolicited mechanical advice and describing the sound of his starter. "It's the same strategically flawed failure, despite superior technology, hiding behind a false mask of accomplishment to conceal the truly ugly face of the gross inefficiencies vulnerable to common mud-caked chaos," That Coot allegedly said.

"I had my kids in the car," explained the irate man. "They didn't need to hear that! That Old Coot is out of his corn-cracking mind, just like Jimmy!" the local man dragged up local dirt.

That Old Coot is known locally as a teller of tall tales never to be taken seriously. Numerous stories from when the Old Coot "was in the jungle" led to local assumptions that The Coot fought in Vietnam. However, over the years, it was determined Coot was just in the Peace Corps. But that did not deter the Old Coot from continuing to spin disturbing yarns of spectacular nonsense within a context of utter bullshit. "Nobody knew that much about him because nobody listened to that Crazy Old Coot anyway. If he ever said anything that made sense, it was an accident," said a different local.

That Old Coot's feckless feats are too numerous to count, even if anyone wanted to. But one incident stands out as locally legendary. The Crazy Old Coot once overtly expressed his dislike of a local restaurant...while still in the restaurant. "The last time I ate here, I crapped out something that climbed a tree!" he expressed loudly, almost clearing out the place before ordering the Bottomless Gumbo Bowl. Afterwards he allegedly visited the restroom and took a huge dump, cackling as he departed, "Better latch that restroom door!"

"WTF? That's the last thing somebody with a plate full of crabs wants to hear. And who does that and not even tip?" recalled the local manager, incredulously. "I hate that guy! I wish he'd move."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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