Local Man Comes to the Conclusion that Neighbor is Just Plain Mean

Funny story written by Kilroy

Tuesday, 8 December 2020

image for Local Man Comes to the Conclusion that Neighbor is Just Plain Mean
"What's my name?"

After years of living next door to a man perceived to just have an abrasive sense of humor, a local man has finally determined his neighbor is just plain mean.

Mike Mitty, owner of Mighty Mike Mitty Muffallettas, moved in next door to the man he came to know as Jack Schitt seven years ago, and thought there was an immediate bond.

"I first saw him out in the yard repairing a broken sewer line. The stench was awful in the middle of August, a mixture of feedlot runoff and toxic waste. And there he was in this four foot trench, knee deep on his own putified excrement just drinking a beer. I spotted his name on the mailbox," Mitty noted.

“So I greeted him cheerfully, you know, making the first friendly gesture. I said, 'You're in deep, Schitt!' acknowledging the amount of labor it obviously took to dig that trench. And the first thing he told me was to stay the hell off his lawn,” said Mitty.

"Here he had four dead cars parked on an oil-stained patch of rutted dirt that passed for a front yard, not a speck of grass or even weeds in sight. I laughed so hard, I couldn’t catch my breath," said Mitty. "It was hilarious the way he said that with such a straight face."

Mitty knew he had just found his newest best friend.

For years to come, Mitty could always look forward to a humorous remark or witty retort every time he encountered Schitt. "That Schitt was the highlight of my day," said Mitty.

"After 10 or 12 hours of taking sandwich orders, it was refreshing to have Schitt to look forward to. Whether it was him calling my shirt and pants combination ‘50 Shades of Gay’ or referring to my Prius as a ‘Vagina with Wheels’ he could always find a way to tickle my funny bone."

In fact, Mitty long suspected Schitt was a freelance comedy writer. "He never went to a regular job, but he always had money. He spent most of the night up, much like a writer. Besides tinkering with broken down cars and an occasional dog fight in the backyard, he was fairly reserved," said Mitty. "But, his comedic comments were original Schitt!"

However, Mitty had an abrupt change of perspective late last week after his neighbor allegedly knocked him unconscious with an empty whiskey bottle. "I was leaving early for work and all I remember is waking up in the hospital," said the mildly medicated Mitty.

His neighbor immediately turned himself into police and was arrested for criminal assault with a dangerous weapon, as well as maintaining a drug lab. The neighbor is reportedly pleading temporary insanity as a result of chronic constipation and an all-night bender. The situation apparently came to an unpredictably explosive end, much like a gas-propelled mass of impacted feces, after being greeted cheerfully by Mitty with, "Having an early morning, Schitt?"

During booking, however, it was revealed that the neighbor’s name is really ‘Zack Schmitt’. When informed of this fact, Mitty frowned and shook his head incredulously.

"Whoa! Well, that’s certainly an unfortunate misunderstanding. Somebody could have just told me, you know. It does demonstrate the need to touch up one's mailbox periodically, but damn, that's harsh!"

Mitty has allegedly retained an attorney. Peter Johnson has a good reputation as a civil attorney, but has been accused by some of being a complete dick.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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