(Hambone, Alabama)–Jimmy Gadfly was sentenced to 20 years for cracking corn as if no one cared. According to witnesses, Jimmy was often observed cracking corn, and was repeatedly asked to stop, but adamantly refused.
“I saw Jimmy sitting over there on that bench cracking corn in front of everybody like a mad man,” said one witness who testified against Jimmy. “If you want to crack corn, that’s your own business, but you shouldn’t be doing that kind of stuff in public!” he said.
A long-time friend said that Jimmy was under the false illusion that no one cared if he cracked corn or not. “Jimmy cracks corn. I don't care, but a lot of people do,” she said. When asked if she had ever cracked corn with Jimmy, she declined to comment.
Others recall Jimmy’s corn-cracking days began after he came back from the college. “Jimmy could probably crack corn in a college town and no one care. But we’re God-fearing people here in Hambone, and we don’t cotton to no corn-cracking liberal crap around here,” said a local pastor.
Not everyone agreed with the verdict. The owner of an adult bookstore just beyond the county line recalls Jimmy well.
“Jimmy used to crack corn in here all the time, and I didn’t care as long as he bought something. Hell, cracking corn ain’t hurting anybody.”
Jimmy is considered a first-time offender, never in any trouble, except for a minor curds and whey incident with Miss Muffet, merchandise manager at the local Hobby Lobby. As such, Jimmy will probably be eligible for parole in 7 years with good behavior.
Hambone’s police chief hoped that Jimmy could be rehabilitated in prison.
“Jimmy obviously suffers from the inability to comprehend that people actually care when you crack corn. This ain’t Birmingham. We’re a small town with small town values.”
But not everyone was as empathetic. One man, reportedly involved in a civil lawsuit against Jimmy, years ago, alleging negligence in an equestrian accident, told reporters, " I'm glad that corn cracker finally got what he deserved."
Also in local news, Peter Pumpkineater was arrested Sunday for kidnapping and false imprisonment of his estranged wife. Firefighters used the Jaws of Life to free the woman from a make-shift, reinforced pumpkin shell, and took her to a local hospital for evaluation.
According to law enforcement authorities, Peter confessed to the crime, and said, in part, “That kept that two-timing bitch from running around pretty well!"