New York Woman Excels at Handling Crises She Herself Creates

Written by Chrissy Benson

Monday, 15 April 2019

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Molly Hayes always rises above the toxic gossip and sketchy stories she spreads about other people, like her mom.

Molly Hayes of Brooklyn, New York, prides herself on remaining calm, cool, and collected in the crises she herself creates.

"Someone's got to be the voice of reason when things get toxic and overly emotional as a result of gossip I've spread or misunderstandings I've allowed to perpetuate," said Molly. "I feel good that I can be that person and not get caught up in everyone else's flurry."

Molly's boyfriend, Steve Cantrell, agreed. "She's unflappable. It's incredible. She's just so strong."

Molly explained that her exceptional crisis-handling abilities are the result of growing up with a narcissistic, sex-addict, opioid-addicted mother, whom, at the age of six, Molly discovered passed out naked in a bathtub with her wrists slit following an unsuccessful suicide attempt.

"Just kidding," said Molly. "You didn't pick up on that? Sorry, my sense of humor is a little dry. My mom's great. Really great. No matter what anyone else says."

Suddenly, however, Molly's breathing grew faint and she closed her eyes, visibly unsteady on her feet. "Oh God, don't stress, but I think I'm about to have a panic attack. I just need to lie down for a minute. It'll be fine. Trust me, I've been through it before."

Steve guided her gently to the carpeted floor, where Molly lay hugging herself tightly and sobbing. A few minutes later, after her breathing had calmed, she sat up and smiled reassuringly at the worried expressions surrounding her. "I'm fine! Seriously, it's no big deal. I think my blood sugar just got a little low. Steve, would you mind getting me a Clif Bar?"

She added, "And for the record, I really was kidding about my mom. She's great! I don't know why people have such a hard time believing me. It's so unfair how no one trusts her. I mean, we've all made mistakes. Like they say, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

Steve smiled affectionately and shook his head as he went to grab Molly a snack. "See what I mean? So strong."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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