The Dow Jones Industrial Average lost 800 points today driven exclusively by companies owning mainstream media outlets. New York Times Company, owner of the New York Times (duh) lost 25% of its value in a wild trading session that punished virtually every media stock—NBC, CNN etc. Stock analyst, Eda Fication said that the precipitous drop in media stocks was due to a realization that Trump was really going to be gone, and that, without him, news would go back to what it was before—boring.
“We are looking at a double whammy,” NBC president Harold Angel said. “Boring news leads to fewer viewers and less ad dollars, plus with the Coronavirus vaccine just around the corner, our TV audience is no longer going to sit around watching the drivel, I mean, content we put out.”
Eda had also spoken with Rachel Maddow, who was bemoaning yet another story about Biden’s cabinet picks. “How can I do anything with Janet Yellen as Treasury Secretary?” Rachel whined, “Not only is that a boring, predictable pick, but have you seen a photo of Janet? She looks like everybody’s grandmother!”
The Fox network acted quickly to the media meltdown. As Fox stock started to drift downward, Sean Hannity held a press conference with Fox investors, saying, “What makes you think we are going to stop talking about Trump? Tonight I’m going to bring 25 dead people and their Wisconsin ballots onto the show. We have video of the Democrats driving hearses to the polling stations. We’ll have a live demonstration of a Smartmatic voting machine turning every Donald Trump vote into a vote for Joe Biden. We have a truckload of affidavits from angry white men saying they saw black people vote in a white suburb.” As Sean got more and more excited, a trickle of a dark substance ran slowly down his face from his sideburns, and Fox stock continued its downward plunge.