Swiftly on the back of the President finally growing up and accepting that the majority of Americans prefer a decent human being to him, Donald Trump has announced his Christmas plans. He is to spend the holiday in a cell inside New York’s main jail complex, Rikers Island.
The announcement came as a surprise, but not a shock to journalists attending the President’s latest pop-up news conference at the 13th hole of his golf course in West Palm Beach. It was expected that the President would set aside some time to acclimatize himself to the future that lies ahead for him once he leaves office.
It is expected that, even if the President was to pardon himself from the misdemeanours he, his family, and his cohorts committed while in office, he will still fall foul of the law and have to spend some time in jail.
“What better time to get used to being locked up than Christmas,” crowed the President. “It should be a barrel of laughs getting to know new folks, and making new alliances. I’ll miss the golf and the warm affectionate cuddles from my sex-droid, Mekanika, but, other than that, I hope to have a quiet and restful seasonal break. However, I will have to perform some official duties. There’s a bunch’a real nice fellas in Rikers called the Barrio Azteca. They’ve given me the honour of being their Santa Claus this holiday and I’m looking forward to doing it. Bizarrely the exchanging of gifts takes place in the communal showers – can you believe that?”
It was anticipated that the role of Santa would be given to Mike Pence, who is also expected to do prison time, as he already has white hair. However, as his head has the propensity to attract flies, it was thought that his choice would be unhygienic.
One other role has been determined though; that of Santa’s favourite elf. This will go to Rudy Giuliani. The normally highly-animated diminutive swivel-eyed lunatic will have to control his movements in this role, as he will have a wick implanted in his head and will be required to double as Santa’s candle night light. It was figured he would be ideal for this role, as he appears to be already melting.