Biden to ‘Ride Trump Lion’ to Inauguration

Funny story written by David Smith

Tuesday, 24 November 2020

In a surprisingly politically insensitive move, President-elect Joe Biden has announced that he is to go to his inauguration ceremony, next January, riding a lion that has been fitted with a prosthetic latex mask of ex-US president - we all hope - Donald Trump.

The twelve-year-old male lion, called ‘Ol’ Grizzly,’ will be supplied by one of Biden’s old circus pals, ‘Dangerous’ Jack Catflap. It is a little-known fact that President-elect Biden was once a circus clown who performed under the stage name of Beppo. The prosthetic latex mask will be supplied by Disney studios.

“I’m delighted that uncle Joe’s gonna ride the frickin’ lion up those steps to his inauguration,” crowed Biden’s presidential running partner and VP-elect, Kamala ‘the ball-breaker’ Harris. “In the eyes of the world, it will be a metaphor for the victory of liberal values over the rise of neo-fascism…and it’ll look really cool, too!”

However, serious criticism has already been voiced from a number of quarters. Quick out of the blocks was Ivanka Trump, who snapped:

“It’s nothing more than a cheap political stunt aimed at humiliating my father. Further, if anyone’s face is going on that lion’s head, it should be mine. I’m a lot prettier than daddy, and I’ve already opened a pop-up store selling luxury Donald Trump latex masks for lion’s heads. Check it out at 4444 Acacia Avenue, downtown Manhattan. You don’t need to bother with a facemask if you visit. We’ve got a window open.”

Also fast to object to the ‘Biden rides a lion’ show was Omarosa Manigault Newman.

“It’s damned well unseemly,” spat out the lady famous for being famously a woman of colour with some opinions, “Sticking it to Trump is a new cottage industry that I’ve been doing quite nicely out of, financially speaking. There will be no lucrative TV spin-offs for me in this riding the lion stunt. In fact, if there’s any justice in the world, I should have an hour-long TV special just to moan about it!”

Another person strongly critical of the upcoming lion riding performance was Dr Anthony Fauci, who said, “It’s a stupid stunt that carries far more risks than benefits. It (Ol’ Grizzly) could go into a wild frenzy and eat the President-elect. That would be a disaster. By rights, the lion should be neutered, have all its teeth and claws removed, be sedated, and then hermetically sealed in a cage. Then uncle Joe can sit on top of the cage waving the photo of the lion before we did all those awful things to it. If uncle Joe wants to crayon Trump’s face onto the photo, then that’ll be fine. Otherwise forget the whole dumb idea. I’m gong back to hide in my house under the bed now.”

However, Netflix has gone crazy over the idea, and plans to make a ten-part docu-drama about the stunt. The series will star Brad Pitt as uncle Joe (it was to be Jonny Depp but he was dropped as they were too frightened that he might get off his t*ts on cocaine and booze, and beat the crap out of the lion). The lion is to be played by UK politician and human lizard Nigel Farage.

“I’m delighted to be offered the part,” smarmed Farage when interviewed by the cub reporter from the UK comic The Beano. “I’m perfect for the role. I easily transition onto all fours when around rich and powerful people, and I’m well used to having those with more money than me riding on my back. In fact, it’ll be a nice change to be wearing a Trump mask as opposed to having my head up his ass.”

Also delighted was the lion tamer and owner of Ol’ Grizzly, ‘Dangerous’ Jack Catflap**, who quipped, “This is great news for me, Ol’ Grizzly, ‘Dangerous Jack’s Travelling Circus,’ and all those that exploit animals for profit worldwide. After a stunt like this, no one will dare shout at me in the streets ‘those bears should not have been made to ride skateboards!’ and we can get on with the job of making gazillions of dollars out of dumb critters with impunity.”

** Dangerous Jack Catflap is the current CEO of SeaWorld Parks and Entertainment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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