Senior Technical Writer And Corporate Manager At Healthcare Company Makes Official Apology For Self-Destructive Weekend Behavior

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 13 June 2020

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This chart technically means that you're completely fucked!

Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Fully expecting a rational and highly-collaborative online discussion on how to select a proper medium through which to facilitate and transfer comprehension of extraordinarily complex updates in healthcare technology to hospitals and clinics across the Midwest, entry-level technical writers and IT support staff at EPIC Medical Support, Inc. were left confused last Friday morning when Robert Kane, 67, suddenly darted through the door of his isolated office and didn't return.

Having been sober and 'substance-free' for over 40 years, Mr. Kane decided to take a sip of 1800's Medium-Roasted Pioneer Coffee before he became so incredibly hyperactive and berserk that he could no longer maintain the attention span needed to hold a proper advising session.

"FUCK THIS SHIT!" ... "IT BEGINS AGAIN AFTER YEARS OF DORMANT LUST!"... and..."HA HA HA, I'M BACK MOTHER-FUCKERS!" were just a few of the statements he was heard bellowing at the top of his lungs by terrified administrators down the hallway, who then witnessed him jump into his 2008 GMC Sierra Truck and run over several helpless and screaming people in the parking lot.

After streaking down I-94 like an uncaged and carnal demon from the lower depths of Hell, Kane, who had never achieved self-actualization as a writer throughout his own productive and highly-paying career, strategically tore up several different highways and unmarked roads before he found an open strip club located within the southwestern portion of Dane County.

Feeling delighted while having many interesting conversations with locals about the meaning of life and all of its intricate details that range from the deepest of the oceans to the stars above, the hopeless romantic then paid for sex with a cheap prostitute who allowed him to cry on her shoulders before he pulled out just in time to blow his entire load all over her stomach.

Suddenly realizing that everything he was doing was morally wrong and unproductive, Robert sped back to his isolated, air-conditioned, two-story home on the outskirts of the city and took a sip of 'Milwaukee's Best' before passing out cold on the floor.

Having completely forgotten everything he did when Saturday morning arrived, Kane issued a sincere and heart-felt apology to those who were depending on him to provide essential advice for constructing corporate manuals as well as layout work for further documentation before he took another sip of 1800's Medium-Roasted Pioneer Coffee and repeated the exact same behavior.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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