Attorney General Barr Goes To Hell To Free Charles Manson’s Soul

Written by mikewadestr

Wednesday, 13 May 2020

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Can someone please turn on the air conditioner

Forgoing all the myths of Hell, Attorney General William Barr went to the abyss of doom in order to free Charles Manson’s soul from chains of eternal damnation. But getting to Hell wasn’t so easy. He had to go through a portal in the men’s room at the bottom of the US capital. The portal took him to a bank of 50 elevators that all went to the bowels of the earth. Unfortunately for Barr, only one elevator was working. He had to stand in a long line of condemned souls who thought they were getting on a Carnival Cruise ship cruise. It took him three hours to finally get into the elevator.

There was only one button in the lift and that was an arrow pointing down.

When he got there the gates were surrounded by fire and flint. When he asked the gate keepers why the gates weren’t encased in fire and brimstone, the guard simply said: "Have you seen the price of brimstone these days? It is outrageous, everybody wants it. As a matter of fact, one of the devil’s advocates left and opened up a place called Well. That is where all the executives from Wall Street are going. It is rumored that, in Well, they only burn you on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. They are flush with brimstone."

Barr had with him a bucket of ice water to give to Manson when he met him. The guard, seeing the ice water, stated: "You can’t bring ice into Hell. If you do, you will be punished severely. The sentence is 3000 years stuck in a cell with Howard Cosell."

When he asked to see Satan, the devil’s advocate showed up immediately. He was dressed in a floral shirt, high-waisted pleated pants and platform shoes. His horns were upside down. He examined Barr, and inquired what he wanted.

"I want to talk to Satan about releasing Charles Manson’s soul," Barr replied.

"Ooooh," started the advocate. "Satan is in a bad mood because all the elevators aren’t working, because none of the elevator repair men have gone to hell. He hasn’t had one guy named Otis for the last 50 years."

Barr then slipped the advocate a rock of brimstone, and asked: "Does this help?"

"But, of course, just follow me," and led him to the Devil.

When he met Satan, he told him he wanted to free Charles Manson’s soul. The Devil just shook his head, and said: "Sorry. He escaped from his chains a week ago. He is now a bond trader on Wall Street."

As of press time, Charles Manson’s soul tried to take over Donald Trump’s body, but was ejected because there was no toilet paper in the White House.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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