MANCHESTER, New Hampshire – The iNews Agency is reporting that Senator Bernie Sanders is the winner of the New Hampshire Democratic Primary.
Sanders who is 78, was grinning from ear-to-ear as he remarked “I just want to say that my victory tonight makes me so happy. In fact, to be perfectly honest with you, I am as happy as a rooster with three pee-pees.”
Meanwhile, Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren was visibly upset. She said that she wanted everyone to know that she totally blamed her loss on the fat orange Divider-in-chief who lives in the White House.
When Joe Biden was asked about his 5th place finish, he remarked, “Look, man, I mean come on, bro. It ain’t no friggin big deal, hell, when I was a young man, I used to do 2,000 push-ups in 15 minutes. But I digress. Now where was I? Oh yeah, I can still eat a triple meat cheeseburger in about 20 to 35 seconds.”
Pete Buttigieg, who is 38, but looks 18, finished in second place and wondered if maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all to campaign while wearing his Wonder Woman flip-flops.
Mayor Pete remarked that he is going to try to start to look more macho, and he will be hitting the campaign trail wearing a Lebron James basketball jersey along with an Indianapolis Colts football helmet.
Tulsi Gabbard, aka “The Hawaiian Hula Dancer” managed to only get a total of 29 votes. She reportedly kicked a washing machine, and right away called up POTUS.
She told Trump that she is leaving the Democratic Party and wants to join the GOP. Trump reportedly told her to come visit him at the White House, and he will personally help her fill out the needed paperwork.
Meanwhile, Amy Klobuchar, known as “The Minnesota Mama”, felt that she lost due to her Minnesota accent. She told a campaign leader that she is going to hire a voice coach, and see if she can develop a Bronx accent.
(IN CLOSING – Tom Steyer, The California billionaire, who only got 7 votes, reportedly mumbled to himself, “Well, that’s $47 million down the friggin’ drain.”)