Written by Dante Liberatore

Thursday, 28 September 2017

image for A 'Drained Swamp' Nets Surprising Results

When President Trump fulfilled his campaign promise to "drain the swamp" in Washington, DC, the enormous steel mesh utilized to capture the tons of political debris revealed the usual suspects: a rigged political system, lobbyists buying influence and the run-of-the-mill political cronies and crooks.  

But once the polluted bayou was drained, the steel webbing revealed a host of other items no own expected to find.

Stuart Pozner, the owner of ACME Plumbing, and the man given the contract to drain Washington, DC gave provided a rundown of the oddities he discovered. 

"The first thing to catch my eye in the steel mesh was 8,247 human spines," the plumber noted. "And it explained why the majority of politicians in DC don't have a backbone.. Then I found President Trump's promise to 'build The Wall, Mr. Pozner added. "And I was completely shocked by how utterly untouched it was..

And then, as I filtered through, you know, more stuff you'd expect to find in a steel net after flushing out a bureaucratic lowland, such as Hillary Clinton's 30,000 deleted emails and the effort to repeal Obamacare, I was amazed to learn my entire steel mesh the was covered with a thick layer of accountability, as if every politician in town had flushed their supply of it right down the toilet - leaving the entire District of Columbia void of any personal responsibility whatsoever...

Then I found a few more remarkable items, like a dozen hanging chads from the 2000 U.S. presidential election, Jack Abramoff's ridiculous looking hat, another illegitimate child from John Edwards, twenty empty prescription bottles of oxycontin with Rush Limbaugh's name on them, Heidi Fleiss's 'blackbook', former Washington D.C. Mayor Marion Barry' crack pipe, the missing 18 minutes of tape from Watergate, former Senator Larry Craig's "Gay Pride' hat and a couple of rusted out bazookas from the Reagan Administration that never made it to the Nicaraguan Contras..

And finally, for some reason I can't explain, my wire mesh also captured Paula Dean's lawn jockey, the club Tonya Harding used to clobber Nancy Kerrigan and a disco ball." Who would have guessed, eh?" 

The 1950's "Creature" from the "Black Lagoon", who moved from his passé Hollywood swamp to the hipper marshland in Washington, DC in 2005, was furious over the draining of his home.

"I had everything before my swamp was drained," the Creature said while carrying around his latest unconscious Hollywood starlet. "The endless webs of Russian collusion gave my cesspool a 'homey' feel, the constant flow of political favors passing through my gills sustained my diabolical nature and the miles of bureaucratic red tape made it a snap for me to find my way back to my evil underwater labyrinth of doom..  

But now," the amphibious humanoid added. "..with all the putrid water gone, I'm going to have to find another swampland where legislation goes to the highest bidder, campaign finance reform is a myth and the major form of transportation is provided by loopholes..

But I guess it's not all bad," the Gill-man concluded. "Because I hear Detroit is a political septic tank these days, so I may move there." 

A few days later, the Creature from the Black Lagoon discovered he had more options for relocation, and after juggling the politically corrupt swamps in Chicago, Newark and Cleveland, he eventually found a more than suitable new home in New Orleans. 

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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