Shattered Man Finds Missing Inner Piece

Written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 8 February 2020

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Packey Havens recovered the inner piece that had eluded him in the last place he'd expected: the john.

After his heart was shattered into a million tiny bits by a woman who didn't see their relationship going anywhere, Packey Havens of Nashville, Tennessee, scrambled to recoup all of his broken parts, and eventually succeeded in finding his last remaining inner piece.

"It had gotten really far down there, into my innards," said Havens. "It's kind of a miracle I managed to get it back."

According to Havens, the inner piece he was seeking was the one responsible for the overall sense of optimism he'd lost when his ex, Amanda Rivers, dumped him. "I pretty quickly managed to collect most of the other pieces, like my quick wit and fortitude," he said, "but that one eluded me."

Hoping to find his lost "positivity piece," Havens tried some time-tested means of self-discovery, like meditation and long-distance running, all to no avail. Ultimately, the inner piece came out in the last place he'd expected - the toilet.

"Yeah, not the prettiest process," he' said. "I'd noticed I'd been a little stopped up. Apparently, it had gotten caught up in a whole bunch of s***. Sometimes that's just the way it goes. You have to let nature take its course."

After cleaning and detoxifying the expelled positivity part, Havens carefully restored it to the area of his body where it's best utilized: his mind. And now, his last remaining inner piece intact, Havens says that he feels like a new man.

"I see now that it was all for the best," he said. "Everything works itself out in the end."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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