House Democrats Bring Panel of Four Ivy League Professors to Make an Important Decision

Written by Gene Morrison

Friday, 6 December 2019

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Increasingly indecisive House Democrats have decided that they do not have the ability to choose where to lunch without a panel of elite Ivy League intellectuals. According to staffers, four professors were brought forward and questioned intensely by the Committee on House Affairs and Lunch for their expert opinions.

In order to appease their Republican colleagues, House Democrats allowed them to select one of the four professors. However, when questioning time actually came, he was given such a miniscule amount of speaking time, that most people forgot that he was there.

As increasingly partisan politics grips Washington, the decision on where to lunch has become an outlet of division and aggression. While this media outlet was not able to obtain information on what the two parties favor for lunch (since the decisions were made in closed-door meetings), we know that when Speaker Pelosi opens an inquiry pertaining to the matter everyday promptly at 10:30 am, we witness a decision that could shape the very fabric of our democracy.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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