Admissions Scandal's Child: Too Smart for USC

Funny story written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Thursday, 5 December 2019

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Hollywood, CA. Woof Blister reporting for Spoof News. Agate Hunter, the diminutive teenage daughter of screen star and indicted college admissions scandal celeb Rock Hunter, broke her silence today in a Facebook response to her ten million followers. She made no secret of her wish that her Dad had not interfered with her application to USC.

"I only sent admissions applications to two schools, one of which was USC. I think my grades, scores and recommendations were good enough to be accepted, and that would have been okay. But Dad's co-star's son already had received an early admission from SC and Dad was obsessed with getting me in. He wanted to guarantee my acceptance, so he seems to have bribed an admissions officer with a half million dollars.

"The USC official hacked into my high school records and lowered my SAT scores, changed most of my A grades to D, and replaced the good recommendations with weak ones. That certainly would have gotten me in the usual way, but my personal photo, which carried Dad's studio's name, raised eyebrows and we got caught.

"Now I can't even get into the other school I really wanted to attend, Trade Tech, the local junior college, where I could have studied artistic welding. My grades, scores, etc are now too low.

"Looks like I'll have to go to UCLA."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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