Capitol Hill, Washington D. C. March 4, 1861. Woof Blister reporting for SIN, The Spoof International News. Despite rumors that South Carolina would secede following election of Abraham Lincoln as the first Republican president of the United States, every member of the House of Representatives from all slave-holding states was here present at the opening session of congress Monday, The first act of business was a motion to impeach Lincoln based on his violation of the constitutional protection of states' rights.
The move to impeach was led by Carolina's John C. Calosi and Mississippi's Jefferson Schiff. Since the Republicans are outnumbered in the House 130-108, the outcome was a foregone conclusion. During the debate, Lincoln frequently posted new notices on billboards outside the White House, claiming the whole thing was the greatest witchhunt in American history, and that his comments on preserving the Union were "perfect" rather than an attack on states' rights.
The fate of the impeachment in the Senate is unclear. Even if all Democrats vote to convict, the Republicans hold more than one-third of the Senate seats. A straight party line vote is expected, which will defeat the attempt to remove Lincoln. At that point, the Southern congressmen will resign en masse, the Southern states will secede, and Lincoln will have a choice: war or conciliation.