Janesville, Wisconsin. After enduring too many "self-improvement" battles that involved reading books, trying to learn new things, and engaging in pointless hobbies that left him feeling exhausted and unfilled, Craig Gerald, 37, confessed, Monday, that he is patiently waiting for that precious moment in time when he can finally just give up on life completely and be the useless, untalented, and unmotivated 'piece of shit' that he was always meant to be.
"I'm really hoping that there will be an epiphany (or some type of awareness) that suddenly just hits me," the piece of shit told reporters.
"And I think when that happens, I'll finally be at ease as a human being and just allow things to 'be as they are,'" the hopeless bag of poop added, before needlessly elaborating on the details of how his desperate attempts to become a better person have never actually worked in the past.
But the jaded (and indeed very drained) millennial has even deeper reasons for feeling the need to conclude his efforts and just call everything off.
"It's ultimately about running away from standards that are too high and that never really lead to anything but overwhelming anxiety and frustration," the disillusioned fuckface acknowledged, while confirming that he sincerely wants to spend more time avoiding self-actualization so that he can learn how to appreciate "the grind" of having several part-time jobs that will slowly waste him away, and prevent him from doing anything that could be considered meaningful or important during his limited time on this earth.
"If you can be content with avoiding the pressure of trying to improve, then I think you can be a happy person," the hopeless, useless, untalented, unmotivated, piece-of-shit, bag-of-poop, disillusioned fuckface declared, with the additional confession that another item on his future agenda involves drinking hard liquor, falling apart as a human being, and allowing himself to spiral into a dark place while paying for cheap sex in Las Vegas with a prostitute who has fake, 'basketball-sized' hooters.