Good News for the Incontinent

Written by G. Brookings

Tuesday, 12 November 2019

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Free at Last from Arbitrary Demands for Bladder Control

Newly-elected San Francisco District Attorney, Chesa Boudin, son of 60s radicals jailed for bank robbery and murder, has declared certain “life-style" crimes off-limits for prosecution. Henceforth, in San Francisco, it will be perfectly legal to urinate and defecate in public, as well as to offer and solicit sex, although these acts must be performed independently and not at the same time to qualify for the exemption.

While celebrating this achievement of the progressive movement, Boudin noted that “we still have a long way to go to decriminalize poverty and homelessness.” Other crimes often attributed to poverty will also be reviewed, Boudin promised, although he would not commit to legalizing bank robbery and murder in the near term.

Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders promptly applauded Boudin’s bold reforms, citing the need “to radically transform our racist and broken criminal justice system…” “It is potty training and adult diapers that should be made illegal,” Sanders grumped on Twitter. “Walk in my soggy trousers a mile or two, and tell me I’m wrong.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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