Jared Wall was never an ordinary man. Some considered him a myth, others appraised him as a legend, and many simply remembered him as the amazing technical documentation writer who produced software installation instructions, manufacturing efficiency booklets, computer product manuals, marketing strategy reports, and licensing agreements throughout the Midwest between the years of 2007 to 2019.
After leaving loyal fans and readers devastated with his retirement from Zycrest Communications on Friday the 13th of September, the 37-year-old producer of magnificent literature mysteriously vanished only to reappear when the Ditmans needed him the most.
Having purchased an 18th-Century mansion in Pennsylvania built on sacred ground that was dug up before all the bodies were peed on and moved to another location, Mary and Roger Ditman found themselves somewhat shocked, disturbed, and terrified when a multi-faced, shape-shifting, demonic entity with a spinning head and razor sharp teeth pressed its face up against their bedroom window before breaking through and crawling slowly towards them.
Just when all hope seemed lost, however, Jared Wall appeared out of nowhere and threw employee handbooks, user guides for industrial equipment, personnel policy & procedure sheets, occupational safety pamphlets, corporate disclaimer statements, and consumer product case studies at the unnatural behemoth until it got so incredibly bored that it passed out on the hardwood floor.
"I'm so glad that this man saved our lives," Mary Ditman told reporters. "I guess the only part that really disturbed me was when Jared hurled the creature down the stairs and repeatedly smashed its head into numerous kitchen cabinets before pushing it over a fireplace log, fucking it in the ass, and calling it a 'bitch.'"
"That's where things went a little bit too far," she stated.
"I know that technical writers are highly trained to never express their feelings or emotions in all the hard work they do, and that they may have lots of pent up and meaningless rage as a result of the fact that they have never self-actualized," Roger Ditman said, "but I found all that violence to be a little bit ridiculous and unnecessary as well."
"We could have simply moved into a different house," he added.
While confessing that they were both a little bit terrorized and offended by what Jared actually did to the Unholy Beast from the Roaring Fires of Hell, Roger and Mary made it clear that he will not be invited into a much-needed, future threesome when they both become bored with each other, and need extra stimulation to keep their marriage going.