Carly Simon Recounts Yucky Trump Hug

Written by G. Brookings

Sunday, 3 November 2019

image for Carly Simon Recounts Yucky Trump Hug
Simon: Like ugly on an ape?

Flogging her new book, “Touched by the Sun,” in an interview with Guardian magazine, Carly Simon recounted running into Mr. Trump at a New York social event long before he became commander-in-chief. After initially ignoring the singer, Simon claimed that, after a few drinks, Trump “was all over me like ugly on an ape,” a phrase that seemed insensitive to some, and sparked outrage among those predisposed to outrage and others who use outrage for purposes of capital formation.

PETA, a vein-popping instance of the latter, issued a press release with images of freshly disturbed soil above the grave of anthropologist, Jane Goodall, and demanded that Simon apologize for her vile anti-ape and pro-human bias. As a condition of not doxxing and cancelling whatever is left of her career, PETA further demanded that Simon publicly acknowledge that apes are beautiful, far more beautiful than Donald Trump.

Critics on the left surprisingly joined in, offering their own similar if not derivative tales of having been wrapped up in Trump’s ape-like embrace, observing that a fat, sweaty hug is a thing that can never be unfelt.

Leaping to Mr. Trumps’s defense and hurling a loaded kitchen sink and a full garbage disposal of nastiness at Simon, media personalities on the right were openly dismissive of Simon’s gloomy music, her many phobias and her paradoxical, narcissistic obsession with the narcissism of others.

Rush Limbaugh fired off the most pointed of these rebuttals, observing that if Trump’s “ugly” had been all over Simon, much of it apparently rubbed off. Limbaugh added, “That’s how you do it folks. You wanna sell a book? No one remembers who the hell you are? Put Trump in there. Have him paw you. Monkey see, monkey do. Did I ever tell you about the time Trump gave me a wedgie? Just kidding. Time has not been kind to Carly.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more