Solution Found For Intrusive "Helicopter Parents;" "Send 'em To Fight In The War"

Funny story written by King David

Sunday, 4 February 2007

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"Helicopter Parents" Will Be Used To Fight In Iraq War

As many parents landed their helicopters on the decks of the USS Abraham Lincoln located in the Persian Gulf this morning, a sterling initiative was sparked by the president and the new, Democratic Congress. "Helicopter parents" who have recently gained a reputation for being intrusive parents, were sent to Iraq to fight in their children's place.

The measure was seen as a compromise between the president's new war strategy and his request for more troops in the region and the Democratic Congresses plea to pull out.

The agreement was reportedly reached yesterday in Williamsburg during the president's recent "kiss up" to the Democratic Congress in which he was reported to have walked around the room kissing about 250 asses and scratching them behind the ear. No fellating or nimble hand jobs were reportedly given by the president, but it was said that he did stop to feed several of the jack-asses snack food such as raw carrots and celery. This was reported to be the first Democratic retreat that the president had been to in a while.

The initiative is being touted by both sides of the aisle as the fairest solution yet for bringing in new troops to the region.

Maj. Gen. William Caldwell, commanding general in the region, has seen four U.S. helicopters downed in Iraq since mid-January, and says that he is grateful for the measure.

"It actually works out well having a husband and wife serve together and fighting in the same helicopter. Given this arrangement, spouses are usually killed together in the war, cutting down drastically on the number of widows being created. We're hoping that this may have an effect on the popularity of the war and increase government support. This also cuts down on the number of spouses waiting stateside for their marriage partners to return from the war. It takes away a lot of the worry and anxiety that these spouses feel toward their partner wondering if they will ever return."

The term "helicopter parent" came in to vogue recently after corporations and other businesses, universities and government agencies that hire and manage 20-something's experienced an unprecedented amount of parental involvement during job and college interviews with these children.

"I've had parents fly right into my office and land their helicopters right on my desk and try to negotiate a higher salary for their child," one corporate executive confessed. "If we let these parents intervene, then, we wonder how much of the work these kids are responsible for will actually get done by them. What if they have to make a quick decision?"

President Bush and the Democratic Congress argue that this situation is different in the military since the children will not even be required to serve and can continue business as usual communicating with their peers and going about using technology to their hearts content.

The military also has plans to use the "helicopter parents" in Afghanistan said NATO troop leader Gen. Dan McNeill who recently replaced British Gen. David Richards at the helm in the region.

"Helicopter parents will provide a boost to our 35,500 troops in the area," said McNeill. "Having older troop members in the units also provides a stabilizing factor amongst our younger troop members. They tend to act as mentors for the younger troops which translates, for us, into better troop morale."

The president didn't say just how many sets of helicopter parents would be needed, but did say they would be used aggressively and that there would be plenty of corporations and VA hospitals for them to fly for stateside after their tours of duty were finished.

Critics of the new arrangement said that they are concerned with potential domestic squabbles coming up between parents while flying their helicopters and were also concerned with the possibility of amorous activity taking place while fighting a war. Army counselors say that parents will be screened thoroughly before allowed to serve.

"It helps to have a reservoir of rage to draw from in combat," said one counselor. "Split second decisions have to be made in war time. There mustn't be any distractions."

One helicopter parent who was interviewed said that her service with her husband was either going to have the effect of bringing them closer together, or tearing them apart.

"We're a little concerned, however, with what we will find on the other end when we return home from our service," she said.

President Bush, seeing a grand opportunity stepped in magnanimously and said that he and Laura would open their ranch in Crawford, Texas to orphaned American children of U.S. servicemen serving together as "helicopter parents" in this nation's armed forces.

He didn't offer any solutions, however, for generation I.O.U.'s impending war debt.

"Maybe that's something that they can figure out on their computers while their parents are away fighting the war," he said. "Laura and I will surely do all we can to provide them with the latest software and technology while their parents are gone."

In other news today, George Bush takes a gulp of Biodiesel and says, "This stuff ain't that bad."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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