Woman Thrilled to Finally Be Old Enough to Have a Midlife Crisis

Written by Chrissy Benson

Sunday, 29 September 2019

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"It's going to be epic," said 50-year-old Samantha Spring, who is ready to have her first legitimate midlife crisis.

"Emotionally speaking, I probably could have managed one at the age of six," said Samantha Spring of New York City of the life stage marked by dissatisfaction with and ultimate rejection of the ordinary life which has come to be termed the "midlife crisis." "By fourteen, no question. And, really, any given year after that."

Despite her emotional preparedness, Samantha held off for decades on actually executing her midlife crisis. "I didn't think anyone would take it seriously if I tried to pull one off at thirty or even forty," she said. "It wouldn't have seemed legitimate."

Now, however, just having turned 50, Samantha says she is thrilled to finally be old enough to have a bona fide midlife crisis. "Honestly, I was tempted to go through with it a few weeks ago, when I was still 49, but I figured I'd wait until my actual birthday."

Some of her midlife crisis plans include traveling, pursuing a career that actually means something, and possibly acting out sexually.

"It's going to be epic," she said. "I'm pumped."

And the midlife crisis is just the beginning for Samantha, who, in future decades, says she very much looks forward to becoming an eccentric old lady.

"Yeah, it's going to be really good," she said. "I'm finally hitting my stride. Now is my time!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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