The White House. Special to The Spoof. Greenland watchers are puzzled by the sudden burst of interest by the president in purchasing this mass of ice from Denmark. Here are possible motives for what may become known as "Trump's Twaddle," a modern counterpart to "Seward's Folly."
1. A refuge for asylum seekers and other kinds of illegal immigrants to the U. S. It's long been known in D.C. that the president would like to get out from under the image he has of being a heartless enemy of those seeking to enter the country illegally. Greenland is his off-ramp.
He will suddenly become the welcoming host to illegals, but will immediately send them to our newest territory, Greenland. What they will do there is unclear, but if they know that crossing the border into the U. S. will actually put them on an ice cap, maybe they won't come.
2. A pseudo-concentration camp for the president's critics and other dangerous enemies. Guantanamo will finally be closed, with the remaining inmates sent to Greenland. But using "domestic terrorism" laws, the president's justice department will incarcerate many of his most vocal opponents, relocating them to Greenland, from which there will be no exit. Expect "The Squad" to be the first new residents.
3. A permanent Republican stronghold. Considering the size of Greenland, as a new American territory it could quickly be carved into numerous states, hopefully in time for the 2020 election. Surplus Republican voters from solidly Red states would be paid to migrate to Greenland.
There is no minimum population for a state, so that a mere handful of voters would give Trump at least three electoral votes from each of the new states. Solidly Democratic states like California and New York would lose House seats, thereby decreasing the Democratic candidate's electoral vote, guaranteeing Trump's re-election.