Central Iowa. When Todd Weiner, son of Brad and Martha Weiner, received a free condom during his 'new student' orientation session at Cockland University in the Fall of 2017, he felt confused, at first.
Coming from a conservative Lutheran family that finds premarital sex to be distasteful and abhorrent, Todd originally questioned why he had been given a tour of the campus, placed in a co-ed dorm full of complete strangers, and then handed a contraceptive.
Too young to consume alcohol, and unwilling to adopt cigarettes as a vice, Todd finally understood (and accepted) the subtle message that "condoms always work", and that he should screw as many people as possible.
After casually getting to know his roommates and taking a few classes, Todd rammed his gigantic, mammoth-sized penis into 15 of the women living in his dorm, two assistant librarians, three helpless janitors working 'part-time' on campus, his Spanish professor (Ms. Bifano), his academic advisor (Mrs. Kriels), and a random 19-year-old virgin who was innocently riding her bicycle past the university while thinking about submitting an application.
Stories like this, however, are not unusual.
In a sincere and noble effort to keep up with other liberal arts colleges (and some high schools in Wisconsin) that promote safety and responsibility by giving free condoms and other pregnancy-stopping devices to young and impressionable students, university leaders at Cockland had decided to make 'sex education' a top priority back in 2015.
"We just want our students to understand that they have to make wise choices," Student Health Center Administrator, Mrs. Oval Peckertracks, told reporters.
"Giving them free condoms, tubes of spermicide, sponges, diaphragms, cervical caps, and abortion pamphlets should help them focus on their academic studies instead of constantly thinking about sex," she added.
Sources recently confirmed that Todd Weiner, now a proud father of 9 children, is preparing for his third year at Cockland University and that he is not worried about his financial future because his double major in Sociology and The Fine Arts should land him a solid and high-paying job at a gas station when he graduates.