Campus Security Officers Run Away From Massive Brawl Between Two Education Professors

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 6 July 2019

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Iowa. Campus security officers ran away in sheer terror from a massive brawl between two education professors at St. Luke's College in Winneshiek County on Thursday, June 27th, for the simple reason that they didn't have enough training to properly subdue the two 'burned out' teachers.

When a simple disagreement on how summer school graduate students should incorporate DPI standards into their electronic portfolios erupted in horrifying violence, security officers Tom Lane, 34, and Brad Kriel, 37, ran for cover upon realizing that they have loving families and children at home.

72-year-old Education History Professor Kurt Greene, who was already extremely tired of Dr. Mike Beckman's faulty theories on cognitive learning, finally lost control of himself, grabbed a 750-page textbook on Self Efficacy Research, and smashed his coworker in the face with it.

Unwilling to take any crap (and already highly aggravated by the lack of air-conditioning in the conference room on the third floor of Yeoman Hall), the overweight 64-year-old Human Relations Professor responded by gut-punching Dr. Greene, calling him 'a bitch,' and then driving his head directly into a nearby glass table.

With his 'out-of-control' temper fully activated, Kurt then grabbed Mike's long, greying beard and used it to hurl him through the door.

After getting up, charging at his nemesis full speed, knocking him down, and utilizing a horribly painful head-lock, Beckman spat in Kurt's face, called him 'a stupid fucking piece of shit,' and also informed him that his wife was 'really good in the sack.'

Instead of tapping out, losing faith, or asking for mercy, Dr. Greene found an unknown source of deep strength inside, remembered his PhD training in "Faulty Standardized Exams That Were Used To Control Immigrants During The Industrial Revolution," pushed Beckman's elbow over his head, and then unleashed a deadly combination of ferocious left hooks, right-hand throat punches, elbow thrusts, and Asian-style high-kicking that eventually sent the 'soon-to-retire but misguided instructor' tumbling down a long flight of stairs.

Security officers Tom and Brad were fired the following Monday, and several worn-out students who witnessed the event stated that they now feel even more disillusioned with the system of Higher Education.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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