Blue Bell Ice Cream Licker Caught!

Written by Jas Guipe

Saturday, 6 July 2019

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Americans can scoop their ice cream without fear tonight after news that the Blue Bell Licker has been apprehended. Not since Son of Sam paralyzed New York City in the 1970s has a nation been so gripped with terror.

The Licker, as authorities have come to refer to the individual, was apprehended outside a Lufkin, Texas motel where the suspect had been hiding out for the past few days. Authorities are not releasing the identity of the individual at this time.

The arrest marks the end of a crime-spree that began at a Wal-Mart in Lufkin when The Licker was filmed removing a carton of Blue Bell Tin Roof ice cream from a freezer and licking its contents before placing it back on the shelf. A shocked America watched with horror and disbelief as the suspect and her accomplice brazenly laughed off the incident.

Panic seized the nation as Licker sightings were reported from as far away as Bangor, Maine and Spokane, Washington. Separate witness accounts even had the Licker performing her despicable germ-spreading violence in multiple locations at once, only adding to the fear and confusion.

The manhunt began to focus in on the tiny roadside motel in Lufkin when authorities received a tip regarding an individual acting suspicious near the frozen foods section of a nearby convenience store. Detectives followed the suspect back to the motel where they began a stakeout.

“One thing we know about this suspect, they can only go a certain amount of time before they must go out and lick again. We are dealing with a sick individual who will not stop until their lust for frozen dairy is satisfied,” said Detective Patty Starling, an officer with the investigation team.

Their hunch paid off when less than 24 hours later, the suspect was on the move again. Police cornered the suspect in the parking lot and an arrest was made without incident.

As authorities escorted the suspect into police headquarters, a defiant Licker responded to reporter’s questions only by smiling and wagging her tongue.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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