Winneshiek County, Iowa. Jonathan Lane, a 21-year-old student at St. Loran University, expressed frustration last Tuesday over the fact that a truculent doppelganger has been causing him to lose focus on his academic progress, while also constantly interrupting his 25-second, evening routine of ferociously masturbating into a cheap, paper towel.
Desperately trying to pass Introduction to General Sociology and Concepts of Basic English Grammar, two classes he failed last spring, Jonathan stated that the apparition lurks around in the dark hallways of the Bradley dormitory building in an effort to make his summer session 'a Living Hell.'
Often taking the appearance of the young man's friends and distant relatives, the shadowy wraith keeps passing through walls, knocking books over, turning beds upside down, throwing sharp objects, and sometimes even writing messages on steamed-up restroom mirrors telling Jonathan that he is a "hopeless and stupid 'penis-face' who will never graduate or achieve success in the real world."
Because numerous students have practiced satanic rituals before disemboweling themselves during wild, drunken orgies in the dorm over the past 2-7 years, Lane suspects that the intensely frightening activities (as well as the deep and unearthly growling noises that come from the basement at 3:00 am every morning) are the result of several spiritual portals being opened.
And despite the fact that the belligerent specter is already interfering with his ability to finish homework, Jonathan also complained that a poltergeist in the kitchen area keeps him from peacefully enjoying his favorite meal consisting of ramen noodles, broccoli, and raw eggs sprinkled with Chile Habanero Sauce.
Deeply regretting his decision to attend summer school and live in the dormitory by himself while his friends and classmates enjoy their vacations at home, Jonathan also sadly confessed that the noisy and offensive doppelganger is constantly preventing him from blowing his load every night to fantasies of Dr. Susan Crowley (his 43-year-old English Professor) taking out her gigantic breasts, bending him over a desk, and beating his ass 'completely raw' with a sturdy, wooden yardstick for making grammar errors involving parallel structure.
Not wanting to come across as gross, immature, vile, absurd, or pointlessly disgusting, the undergraduate 'religious studies' major humbly concluded that 'cranking one out' is really difficult while being terrorized by entities from "the other side."